.confessions of a stay at home mum.

Where do I even begin? 

Sometimes, I feed my kids McDonalds (deal with it). 

I especially love when childless people judge me - CHILDLESS!!! Bitch please,  you have no idea what my days are like and if I have 3 kids chucking a megatron meltdown, IMMA GIVE MY KIDS ANYTHING TO SHUT THEM UP!! Do you realise it has a free toy with the meal? Free!! What child doesn't want a FREE TOY? I'm all for healthy living and I'm honestly a sugar nazi but you know those times where you have 2 choices - drive off a cliff or get maccas? As enticing as the other one sounds with 3 Lord of the Flies kids about to murder each other to survive, I choose Maccas. You don't have to deal with their feral mood so why do you think you can choose what they eat?  Don't judge me, feel sorry for me; because usually the only reason I feed my kids that crap (YES, I do know it is terrible for them) is because I'm at the end of my tither, my eye is twitching and because it's "socially unacceptable" to drink before 9am! Also, I gave them cold pizza for breakfast the other day because I was hung over #winningatparenting

Sometimes, I yell at my kids.

I obviously never want to yell at them. Half the time I don't even know where it comes from? This voice inside just came out of no where one day, it even surprised me! When I ask my kids politely to "please pick up your plates and put them in the sink" I expect them to occasionally listen. When they blatantly ignore me 96 times a day, I literally want to throw the plates at them. But like a good Mum, I just yell instead. #parenting101

Sometimes, I pretend I'm doing a poo so I can be on Facebook.

Don't lie, you've all done it. Sometimes it's the opposite and a child sits on my lap whilst I'm doing a poo

Look how tired I am of his shit ^^^ yes, pun intended.

Sometimes, I eat their food.

Let's be honest, I usually eat all of their food. I also lie about where it's gone to. I'll search those cupboards and look legitimately shocked when I can't find it. "Maybe Daddy ate it" is probably the most common excuse that comes out of my mouth. Daddy's the "fun one" so they'd never get mad at him. My husband bought my daughters their first advent calendar last year. I ate every single chocolate. And enjoyed it. I got yelled at so had to make up some excuse like "it was covered in ants". I should really stop lying to my kids #justkidding

Sometimes, I start drinking during the day.

I have no excuse for this one, other than my kids were being shit heads that day. I put one to bed at 4pm, sat in my stairwell and cried so much, clutching my wine glass, trying to figure why someone who ripped my vagina apart to give her life, would treat me like fucking scum! Ok there have been other times that I drank during day time but they're pretty naughty like every fourth day. I mean, every second day. OK, EVERY DAY, I DRINK EVERY DAY OK? Get over it. Do you know how hard it is to negotiate with toddlers? I bet it's harder than negotiating with a lion whilst  wearing Lady Gaga's infamous meat dress. Wine is my coping mechanism and if you're a Mum who doesn't drink, I honestly salute you!

Sometimes, I lie about being sick as an excuse for not doing housework.

Being tired is being sick, right? 

Sometimes, I swear in front of my kids.

I  never actually realized how much I swore in front of them/under my breath, until I heard my 3 year old drop an F bomb..... oops. 


Sometimes, I forget to shower one, if not all, children

I used to be really good with routine; bath time, dinner time, story time, brush teeth, bed. Now, I hop into bed most nights with that "routine" nothing but a blur and suddenly think "shit, K didn't have a shower today" But you know what? I honestly don't care! And I don't care that people know it.. My house is honestly like the Hunger Games between 5 and 7pm every. Damn. Night. I am in survival mode and I am not perfect. And that's ok!


Sometimes, I resent my kids for giving me 70 year old boobs

Yes, I am vain. I always have been and after 28 years, I don't think I'll change. I used to have great boobs. Great, perfect, D - DD cup size boobs on a size 6-8 body.They are so destroyed now, my 1 year old son slaps them and laughs while my daughters ask me why they are so low....? Because of you, boob ruiner!! I recently had to get an ultra sound to check out a lump after breast feeding my last child. It was nothing, thank goodness, but even the synographer says "WOW, you have no breast tissue. It's all skin" Yes i know that, fucktard. I can see that every single day when I have to lift those bad boys off the floor to PUT THEM IN MY BRA! I loved breast feeding, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be able to feed from my own body, but I had no idea what was to come afterwards. 

Sometimes, I let my kids see me cry.

This one sucks! But I also want them to know that life is not always rainbows and lollipops. Life can be hard. I heard my 5 year old tell me the other day that she is never having kids, because they're too much hard work... I was like a new found christian in a church service, like 'Yeah girl! You preach it, tell it, tell me, tell me how it is!!' 

But I also remind them how much joy and fun they bring me. I obviously use humour to get through some rough times but I also remember the great times! Even though one kid took a dump on another's bed today, one kid (same kid) put a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet then picked it back up and threw it at me, I am happy. My kids are happy and we don't judge anyone for their hard times... Because we all know about karma and it will bite yo ass!

Honestly, love. Love everyone! Xx And use humour ;)

You, me + 3 

.product review time. HipsSister

.Hips Sister.


I have been asked to write my FIRST PRODUCT REVIEW. I'm a little bit nervous so bear with me. (Also, I've cut down on the swearing)

I finished my last pregnancy almost two years ago but I loved those bands that went around my hips/belly to hold in all my lady lumps. I honestly wanted to wear one forever.

The hips sister is a product PERFECT for Mums.  We carry absolutely EVERYTHING in our nappy bag / handbag at all times but when we just want to dash to the shops or go for a run *cough - grab a quick coffee without children* we don't really want to be carrying around our Mary Poppins bag with us. We also shouldn't be putting our phones down our bras, it's bad for our boobs ladies. Simple solution - Hips Sister.

The Hips Sister fits snug around your hips, has 2 zip pockets and also has a secret stash pocket (I hide mints from the kids in it) AND the snug fit holds in my lovely lady lumps! WINNING! After 3 pregnancies, I can't wear tight clothes but the Hips Sister holds everything in AND looks stylish. I am wearing the black one so you can't even tell it's there, You can put your husbands credit card in there, your licence, keys and phone.

I wore mine the other day with my phone in the zip pocket at the front, it was so comfortable that I forgot my phone was there, pressed up against the bench while cooking dinner and Siri tried to start a conversation. It's honestly so comfortable and snug that you won't even tell it's there.

Being hands-free is important in this day and age and the Hips Sister is the best solution. I just wish it was bigger so I could cover more of my lady lumps ;)

A very good product, very suited to Mums or basically anyone with a busy lifestyle. 

You can purchase yours at www.hipssister.com.au with free shipping Australia wide.

You, me + 3

.things kids say.

Today you get to hear some very beautiful words from my darling spawns of satan. Yes, I do absolutely everything for them, wipe shit from their butt holes, kiss their boo boos and I kill the monsters under their bed EVERY DAMN NIGHT. It’s a tough job, I love it and someone has to do it. When I birthed these babes, they caused me so much pain yet they are still shit heads to me. First birth they had to cut to china just to get her fat head out of my vejut! I think that’s why kids are so precious to us. Not only did we grow them inside our precious, ever growing bellies, but they hurt like fuck getting out and I’ll be damned if anything happens to my precious bundles of fat head!

Here are some beautiful things my kids say:

1.      1.   On our 6^th wedding anniversary we grabbed take-away and ate it in the car, with kids, watching the ocean. Not our best anniversary but not our worst. Our first one, a seagull stole my husband’s burger and we were too poor to buy another one so we shared mine. Anyway, my husband jumped out to buy us all ice cream and while waiting for him my 5 year old daughter proudly states “Daddy’s marrying another girl” yeah. Cool beans.

2.      2.   Sitting next to my 3 Year old daughter on the couch just after her bath, she whispers behind me “I’m clawing my fanny”. Like, how the fuck do I even respond to that?!

3.      3.  My eldest has just started school this year and it’s a massive change for her, making her very tired and emotional. Driving home from school one day she just bursts out crying and yells “I don’t even have a Dad”. Ok then. Who the hell am I sleeping next to in bed every night?

4.       4. This one happens on the reg. Eldest has massive personality and attitude and if I have stated she can’t have/do something, she comes out with “Excuse me? What did you just say? I’m going to smash you”. The last part is new. I’d honestly like to see her try!

5.     5.   My beautiful old soul, my darling 3 year old little girl who is a darling sweet heart; to other people, starts singing a lovely song the other day “I want to cut your head off because you are so pretty and I love you” I’m sure she has good intentions but I still sleep with a baseball bat under my pillow, just in case.

6.     6.   My 1 year old son tried to cuddle Miss 5. She told him to “Piss off”. Yeah, I should probably stop saying that “under my breath”.

7.     7.   Darling daughter, age 5 is singing an awesome song, then states “I’m a mother fuckin Queen” Yes, she did just say that. Totally from YouTube. Not fuckin me.

8.      8.  This one I’m very certain ALL mums hear. “Mum, do you have a baby in your tummy, or are you just fat?”  No inheritance for you!

9. I have no intro for this one. Harly, age 5 says “I can’t wait for you to die so I can hang with Daddy”. I think my payback for this one will be showing her birth photos for her 21^st. I even have one of the placenta coming out, maybe I’ll put that on her cake.

Honest to God, who needs enemies when your own children say this stuff to you?

You, me + 3

.my poem shits all over yours - happy 6 years.

Dedicated to my beautiful husband whom puts up with my 78 different personalities

I love you more than money
I love you more than shoes
I love you much more than I love myself
Even much more than booze


You have put up with all my shit
Through thick and thin, you stayed
Even when I went from thin to thick
You still loved me because you always got laid


I love you more than you'll ever know
I may not always show it
I love all the cute nicknames you give me
like babe, boogie, dickhead and sugar tits


We were made for each other
Born half a world apart
You came to Australia not looking for love
You even stayed when you heard me fart


I never thought I'd find someone 
With the same wicked sense of humor
But you're more wicked than I
Not funnier, that is just a rumor


All in all, it's you I chose
Forever, I'll love you 
Again, I'll love you forever
Forever and always, I hope you do too


Happy 6th wedding anniversary to my favourite person in the whole wide world!!!

You, me + 3

.10 things you thought you'd never say.

The title kinda speaks for itself for this one. All of these phrases have actually been said (out loud) by myself or my husband:

1. Don't stab me with Elsa 

I am so sick of Frozen, but to be stabbed by the Ice (crack head) Queen herself was just insulting. I had to let it go - hey... see what I did there??

2. Don't pour wee on my back

My asshole son peed in a potty then well, you know, poured it on my back. 

3. Stop playing in your poo

I have had to say this more than once, can you believe it?

4. Don't put your butt on your sister

Also another one I have to repeat - what is wrong with these kids?

5. Don't laugh at your brothers willy

He may not care now, but he will. Trust me, they don't like it when you laugh (or point) 

6. Don't poke your brothers willy..

Really? 

7. Don't wipe your snot on my crotch.

Do you know how many times I have been in public and noticed the beautiful mucus stain right at my lady parts?

8. Leave my boobies alone (usually followed by) stop slapping my boobies

Just don't.

9. Don't bite my armpit.

I have no words

10. Don't poke my armpit with Olaf.

Fuck you Frozen!

I also can't wait to tell you all the things you thought you'd never hear....

sneak peak:

I can't wait for you to die Mummy so I can hang out with Daddy. Said by my darling bitch 5 year old :)

over and out!!

You, Me + 3

.how to prepare yourself for children. toddler edition

.HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR CHILDREN.. TODDLER EDITION.

Grab absolutely everything you own, rub vegemite all over it, dump it in a toilet and then smash it on the floor until it shatters into a gatrillion pieces. Oh and while you're cleaning up that mess, ask your husband to delicately get your very expensive make up and either shove it in the toilet or dig his fingers so far into every powder or lipstick that he has to wipe the remainder all over the bath. That's just step one of surviving your time with a toddler. And I have 3!



Get your spouse to scream at you that he wants 2 minute noodles, make it, hand it to him, only for him to scream that you DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT!!!!!!! and storm off. Try and understand what the actual fuck is going on, console your spouse while getting screamed at to "GO AWAY" then drink your body weight in wine.

Buy your weekly groceries (online, don't go into a shop for like 15 years, that shit's cray), carefully put all said groceries away. Then, get your spouse to pull out the eggs, one by one (that step is more fun but not necessary) and smash them on the floor, watch him wipe it all over himself and the fridge. Clean it up while guarding the eggy mess with one hand and take said egg mess out to the garbage and come back in to find your spouse back in the fridge with his arms elbow deep in yoghurt with yoghurt covering the floor, fridge door and every single sauce you didn't even know you had. Then drink your body weight in wine. 

Get your spouse to bite you at least 7 times a day, kick you 5 times a day and slap you in the face once every other day. Pick up your spouses shit 23 times every day and change your sheets more than once a night. Oh and tell them to verbally abuse you every day for the rest of your life. Then, drink your body weight in wine.

Never shave your legs and do your arm pits about once a week. Try to take a dump in peace and quiet but get your husband to come in every 2 seconds and ask if you're done yet or "do you know how to wipe?". Start having a shower but get out every 20-30 seconds and call out "don't put your sisters barbie in the toilet" or my personal favourite "don't pee on your sister". And get all of your favourite and expensive clothes and just pour everything in your fridge onto them. Get your spouse to randomly scream as high pitched as possible every day. Then, drink your body weight in wine, plus some!

If you are thinking about having kids, read this, follow these very precise instructions, read it again and follow these instructions EVERY day for about 7 years. Then you might be ready for kids.

I love my family very much but I wish I knew this simple truth. Raising a family IS HARD! The sooner I realised this, the easier my life became. I didn't have to be perfect because my little shit heads love me no matter what! And my bigger fan is my husband and that won't change, even if I don't shave my arm pits for a week. Having a family is the most rewarding experience of my life and even though I find it EXTREMELY tiring, I wouldn't change a thing!!

Ps I don't condone alcoholism but I highly suggest keeping a stash of wine, trust me, you'll need it!

You, me plus 3

.hipster wankers.

Now I’m not paying out all hipsters here. Some of you can be quite nice actually, but the majority….. wankers. 

You think you’re too cool to say hi to me? Wanker. You think I’m not cool enough to shop at General Pants? Wanker. You think I’m ‘not cool enough’ to wear chucks? Wanker, I’ve been wearing chuck taylors while you were having your ass wiped by mummy.

I’ve been dressing a certain way since I was young and the only way to describe it is ‘different’. But now, everyone dresses like that and think they’re ‘cool’. Dammit! Tell that to the kids who used to bully me for dressing differently. They probably wear chuck taylors now, wankers… I still remember when I bought my first pair of converse high tops. they were orange and cons weren’t cool enough yet to have them in toddler size for my miniature feet. I did what anyone in my position would do and I got a pair, 2 sizes too big. I went to school the next day and some people liked them but I got a few laughs. Seriously, how does it affect you if I wear orange converse high tops? My life, my choice. Well, now every Tom, Dick and Harry has a pair and they are flying off the shelf 50% off at Paul’s warehouse (I got 2 pairs, thank you very much).

Oversized black reading glasses. Now these bad boys sell WITHOUT PRESCIPTION at sportsgirl… SPORTSGIRL?!!! They are ‘cool’ now. Another thing I was picked on for. I was 15 and I bought a sweet pair of big black (prescription) glasses and again, majority thought I looked stupid. Shame on you. I needed those to see, wanker.

Don’t even get me started on recycling my glass peanut butter jars and using them as cups because I’m a clumsy cluts and smash all my cups. Those things will break your foot if you drop them! Oh and I’m poor, can’t forget that reason. Now they have some shit fancy name – mason jars. Piss off you hipster wankers. STOP STEALING MY UNCOOL STYLE AND THINKING IT’S COOL….

You see, I’m going to turn 29 this year and I’m stuck in some sort of in between young and old realm… My husband tells me I should dress more ‘age appropriate’ … ok, I’ll go buy hideous dresses down to my calves and be depressed with my life. Piss off Brett (Love you) I’ll wear what I want. Maybe next time you take me to a work function I’ll chuck on a pair of Kylie Minogue gold pants, high top converse (obvi) and my black ray ban glasses. I don’t want to grow up – clearly.

And if you bloody hipsters steal one more piece of my style, I’ll pull all of your nose rings out, one by one. Which I took out, because you ALL HAVE IT NOW.

Love to you all….

ps this is just a bit of fun... Dress how you want and feel comfortable!