.the bachelor - what have I been missing.

Oh my dear Lord. What have I been missing?

Ok, ok, so I saw the bachelor advert while I was chatting with my husband and seriously, the hotness of this guy stopped me mid-sentence.... I can't even... Like literally, so hot. 

But I have a few questions...?

Why is a man, who reeks of handsomeness, still single? Is he bad in bed? Maybe he has a small wang? Maybe he's a shit guy in real life? 

Why are all these gorgeous girls still single? They look amaze balls, do they not? Those gowns, that hair, oh em gee. I wish I looked like that.

We all know why Sandra is single... But the rest? 

What is the white rose? What does it mean? Does she get to bang him?

The drama that fills my loungeroom right now, is amazing (probably because I'm 3 glasses of red deep), and it will continue to fill my loungeroom EVERY TIME THIS SHOW IS ON! I'm hooked.

By the way, who the fuck is Osher? Pretty sure I met that guy 10 years ago at Australian Idol auditions and his name was Andrew G.

Stay tuned.... I will review this show every time it is on. And I promise that it will be hilarious. 

You, me + 3

.i have one of 'those' kids.

You know 'that' kid....  The rough one. The naughty one. The one you move your child away from at the park? Yeah, he's mine.

He cares not, nor does he judge.... Unlike some parents. 

Because apparently, when my son goes mental, I am a bad parent. Obviously we are one, therefore I am also mental. 

He

Is

Just

One

Of

Those

Kids

I thought I had parenting ALL figured out when I had my 2 girls. I was smug and now, karma bit my butt, and it bit hard. I had ZERO idea what it was like to have boys. I had a 'cafe baby' with my first and a perfect sleeper for my second. I was so confident in having 3, that what was about to hit me, hit me hard. 

Let's start with the birth. 

My theory is: the harder the birth, the harder the child (in no way is this true but it's how my kids are)

If this theory were true, I should have known from the minute his head ripped through my delicate flower, sans epidural,  cord around his neck whilst not breathing. (More shit happened but it's too boring - let's just say it was the worst out of the 3)

I always loved newborn cries. My girls had soft, little infant cries that you couldn't even hear while you were a room away.

My son? Trying to wipe that black tar crap off his balls and Midwifes came to my room because they could hear him from 4 rooms away. 

I tried to do the exact same routine from birth as I did with my excellent sleeper but failed miserably. His scream was so loud that my neighbour used to bang on the wall (bitter old hag). I was so used to good sleepers that when my son would wake up 4-5 times a night, I literally wanted to go back in time and punch myself in the face for being so smug the first 2 times. What a dickhead.

I heard boys were tough work but never in a million years did I imagine I would be copping bottles to the face, spoons to the head, skateboard to the head, and just recently (and his new favourite) punching me in the face. 

I know I'm doing some things right, I have asked MANY people; I just have to keep telling myself 'he is only 2, this WILL pass' and that is what stops me from dropping him in a field.

#heisjustoneofthosekids

You see, it's hard to always be kind to someone who constantly hurts you. I have to love him, he's mine but I completely understand those mums who pull their kids away from him. It hurts my feelings, but I get it. He doesn't understand, but I do. And my kids will grow up standing up for themselves, I like them to sort their own shit out. 

Next time you pull your child away from one of 'those kids', just remember to give that Mum a smile, not a snarl. It's not her fault, she is trying!

They probably just have one of 'those' kids.

You, me + 3

.I'm not JUST a mum.

You know that question?

'What do you do for a living?'

My answer, without fail, every time:

Ohhhh, I'm just a Mum.

Like it's an unimportant job!??

Nah mate, fuck that.... I carried humans inside my body; like, actually grew them. Yeah sure, my husband helped but he had the fun job of jizz, but WE do all the hard work! 

A mother's job is the MOST important job in the world. A newborn is helpless without the nurture of its Mum. They need us to survive. So then why do I add 'just' in front of the most important job title I will ever accomplish? 

I do: over time, fix boo-boos (real and imaginary), wipe away tears, cheer for them; I am their biggest fan. I do the school run, say yes to play dates at 4pm when I should be prepping dinner; I cook, clean, wash clothes..... I do everything. I don't get paid and sometimes yes, it's depressing but I feel more needed than I ever will. 

Our babies need us. And they need us to be well! Never be afraid to ask for help. I was, I never used to ask for help. I wanted to prove that I was supermum. And for what? Then I had my son (satan) and I burnt out. I cried a lot; and I started sinking. It's only recently that I have felt better, mentally. 

He's still an asshole though

 This happens on the regular.

But at least he's not up all night, right?

He's a different kind of hard at age 2.

I AM A MOTHER! I am proud. I am NOT 'just a mum'; I AM A MUM. 

Being a Mum is the hardest, most emotionally draining job on the planet. I can't complain to HR because my son threw a skateboard at me; I have to cop it sweet (and kick his ass). I can't have a normal conversation to my daughter because she treats me like a piece of shit, I have to cop it sweet and drink a shit tonne of wine to survive my life. 

I'm just thankful I have an amazing husband who just brought me 2 BOTTLES OF PINOT! Woop woop!

This is a small snippet of my life. It will not last forever and when people say they feel for me, I say 'but it doesn't last forever'.... It's all gonna be ok.

You, me + 3

.20 things I miss since having kids.

I thought I missed a lot of things when I had JUST ONE BABY..... Just one baby is so easy to palm off, try asking someone to watch my three assholes just so I can have a hair cut.... Too hard basket.

So, without further a due, here are: 20 things I miss since having kids.

(Everything.... I miss everything)

1. Obviously the first thing is the hairdressers. 

I have to co-ordinate a time with my husband so he can watch the kids, he works Saturdays so I'm screwed. AND THEN I have to ask for like $400. I gave up and started cutting and colouring my own hair.

But I do miss that glorious head massage  with a basin wash. 

2. Walking.

Sounds stupid right? Have you ever walked ANYWHERE with a 5, 3 and 2 year old? I'd rather chew glass.

3. Waking up like a normal human being. It's like a switch goes off when you have babies, and you will NEVER wake up like a normal human again. I have been woken up by: crying, being licked on the face, being jumped on, a bottle to the face (thanks for the black eye), an iPad to the face (thanks for another black eye), fighting etc.... And that's just from my husband.... (Lol JKS) 

4. Wearing white.

I still try to occasionally wear it. I am quickly reminded why I should not. Usually because I spill red wine on myself.

5. Silence.

My life is constant noise. I really miss being alone with my thoughts. 

6. My perky D cups.

My husband misses those bad boys more than I do. Now they're just sad saggy cups that clap when I run. At least it sounds like someone is cheering.

7. Lazy Hangovers.

Oh em motherfuckin gee. Have you ever been so hungover with 3 kids that you have to pretend you have a virus? No? Yeah, me either..... I just wanna watch dvd's ALL DAY, but they 'need' food and other boring things.

8. Playing guitar.

If you knew me prior to children, you knew that I played guitar ALL THE TIME. You know where my guitar lives now? Collecting dust in my garage; and it makes me sad. Ps I've tried to play it around the kids but they just annoy the shit out of me when they hold the strings.

9. Grocery shopping.

I never stray from my online grocery shop but I ALWAYS forget stuff! If I go down every isle, I don't forget - but I also spend $200 more.

10. Leaving anywhere.

You know how easy it is to leave a place by yourself? You just walk out the fucking door! Leaving with my kids...? Takes at least an hour. I have to bribe my kids to leave ANYWHERE. Every. Single. Feckin. Time. And they don't forget. Oh no, they're at that age where they'll remind you, constantly.... Until you cave; or drive off a cliff.

11. Doing a poo without a child asking to see it.

Childless people - THIS SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS (pun intended). You can't drop a nugget without one, if not all kids, asking to see it or asking if you know how to wipe properly. 

12. Anytime Sex 

Not gonna lie.... Our bedroom door locks..... We've had a sneaky sesh while cartoons are on, on more than one occasion. 

13. Date night with my husband.

We have no family around so date nights only happen when we have family visiting. And that's not often enough.

Our last date night ^^^ in February.

14. Cleaning my house and it STAYING CLEAN.

I just want my house to stay clean for longer than 17 minutes. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

15. Being lazy.

I still attempt to be lazy, but then get pissed off because no one else does any house work.

16. Listening to ANYTHING BUT FROZEN!!!!

Let it gooooooooo

She is wearing frozen dress and boots.

17. Adult interaction.

I just want to have a normal conversation with an adult. And not have to negotiate with satan (aka toddlers).

18. Having a wide open schedule.

What do you wanna do today? Oh I dunno, whatever the fuck we want....

(My husband came up with this one)

19. Going out for dinner.

Not the same as date night.... Try going out to dinner WITH your kids. Last time we tried, my second child was 5 days old, I was as fat as a house and there was a table of about 19 cool 20 something year olds and I was so anxious about breast feeding that I literally left without eating anything. 

20. Drum roll please.......

I miss an UNINTERRUPTED FULL NIGHTS SLEEP.

If you can't tell, it's been a while. I also miss space in my own bed. 

When it all began ^^ first baby - big mistake

What are some things you miss?

You, me + 3

.confessions of a stay at home mum - part 2.

Before I had children of my own, I would hear stories about Mother's, just up and leaving their families. I would think 'what kind of horrible bitch would even contemplate leaving their children?' 

Me. 

I would.

Confessions of a stay at home Mum - part 2

• Sometimes, I envy working Mums.

And you know what? They probably envy me. Grass isn't always greener girls, we just have to remember to WATER OUR OWN GRASS! Kids are hard work, need constant attention and are hungry ALL THE TIME.... But I long for the day I get to finish my hot coffee before my son throws it on the floor.

• Sometimes, I think about packing a bag and just leaving (not forever, just for a week..... Or 7)

We have no family living close by, none even in our state! I wish I could drop the kids off so I can have a break, but I can't. And usually I'm ok with that..... Usually. 

Just every now and then, I'm jealous of people who have help.

• Sometimes, I drive around aimlessly for an hour, just so my son goes to sleep.

He is trying so hard to drop his day sleep. Fuck that!

• Sometimes, I nap instead of doing housework.

Then say that I've been sooooo busy all day. 

• Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting dumber.

I'm smart. I know stuff. Since my daughter has started school, I notice I'm smarter than I realise. But I don't use my brain for anything more than where to keep baby wipes or how many dishes I've done today. I like to be challenged.

• Sometimes, I tell my kids to shut up

Ok, I'm not proud of this one but it has happened on more than one occasion - aka today, in the car.

• Sometimes, at night, I leave the kitchen looking like a dogs breakfast because I get lazy when I drink too much wine.

I wish I could tell you this was a one off thing. No..... Actually, I wish that my husband would clean up.... 

• Sometimes, I ignore the kids when they're naughty.

Don't lie! You've all done it. I've seen a trillion mums do this. No one wants to deal with their asshole child. In fact, no one wants to even admit they are the parent of said asshole child.

• Sometimes, I tell my kids I have a virus when in actual fact, I'm hungover.

I have no words.

Latest hangover ^^^ after this night.

• Sometimes, I can drink a whole bottle of red and not feel the slightest bit hungover the next day.

Ok, I'm both proud and concerned, all in one go.

• Sometimes, I remember to chill the fuck out.

And I should do this way more often...

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect - none of us are. We're all a bunch of mums going through the same shit, at different stages of our lives.

Be kind

You, me + 3

.my son is an asshole - part 2.

He's just so much of an asshole that I wanted to blog about it again. Not for sympathy, just to get it off my chest. This is my therapy. 

Let's start with the broken TV.

This happened about 3 weeks ago - he threw a toy at the TV with such force that it should have fallen and landed on him if it were not for the tape holding it to the unit (thank fuck it was).

Fast forward to Saturday just gone....

Aaaaand this is what my brand new TV looks like.

#mysonisanasshole

So, now we have no TV and I literally hate him. (Not really. OK maybe I did for like 10 minutes. OK I lie, it was more like 24 hours)

He has kindly smashed carton upon carton of eggs.

The last time they were high up on the bench. I'm genuinely unsure how he reached them.

I have resorted to putting all eggs in a bowl, high up in a cupboard so basically even I can't reach them. I just want to live in a world where I can reach the eggs with ease. IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK??

I have lost count of the number of times the cat food or litter has been deliberately tipped onto the floor AFTER I have vacuumed. 

^^here you go Mum, you needed more stuff to vacuum.

Obviously I have my struggles with the older 2 but nothing even comes close to the amount of asshole that is my son. 

My mother in law keeps saying that this was exactly what my husband was like as a toddler. I just can't understand why I'm the one copping his karma...? 

I try my hardest to be nice; I know he's frustrated, getting his molars AND can't communicate yet. But it's hard to be nice to someone who has given you 2 black eyes and a concussion - WITHIN TWO WEEKS!

He asks for a cup of milk, looks at you, throws it all over the floor then mocks you to wipe it up. 

#mysonisanasshole

This is the hell I am living. 

He also tried to kill my husband by stuffing a toy car into the motorbike exhaust. If I hadn't seen him do it and my husband started driving, he said it would have exploded..... Way to go son, you're an asshole.

Friends compliment me on the amount of patience I have for the asshole but sometimes, it wears thin; and I usually end up blogging about it on my kitchen floor 

Stop being such an asshole dude!!!

Ps. He's not ALWAYS an asshole. Sometimes, he's my squish.

But more often an asshole ;-)

You, me + 3

.yes, I do want your opinion on how to raise my children.

If you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic.

From the moment you tell the world that you've done the no-pants-dance and you're growing a human inside your body, people literally HAVE to tell you what to do. 

Kindly fuck off

I love advice and I'll soak that shit up like a sponge but how I choose to raise my kids, has really nothing to do with anyone.

Don't start a sentence with 'you have to'

I hate that shit. I don't have to do anything. I'm a grown ass woman, I know what I'm doing, I know how to life. I even have grey hairs.

I love hearing about other peoples experiences and how they over came obstacles etc. but the way some people (usually idiot strangers who must think that I may be stupid) deliver the advice, is hideous. 

Don't bottle feed, don't use a bouncer, don't feed your baby rice cereal, do bottle feed, don't use a baby bath, do use a baby bath. 

There is so much contradictory information/advice out there that I decided to stop listening a long time ago: I will do what's best for MY family. 

I remember when I told a mid-wife that I was unsure if I would breast feed or not. Not that it's any of her business anyway. She had no idea about my history with breast feeding and the tongue tie issues my children had. Yet she told me I would need to speak to a breast-feeding specialist; just because I was unsure. So, I felt pressured into it for 7 weeks, feeling depressed the whole time because my son had reflux so horrendous that he would scream ALL FECKING NIGHT..... She wasn't there...... To comfort me, to comfort him, to hear my son scream, to watch me cry on the kitchen floor or to help me at 3am every morning. I know her intentions were good but 1 day after putting my son on the bottle, the screaming stopped... And my sanity returned.

As mums, we should never feel pressured into doing anything! We don't really have to tell anyone how we are choosing to parent our kids. I don't mind being open and honest about the way I do things but I don't think that's an invitation to advise me to do it differently. 

Ok, sometimes I do try to do things the way others suggest, usually everything goes to shit and I hate myself for listening to others. The way we do things works for me and MY family.  

Children are all different. They're never going to all act the same way. And neither are adults. 

So, quit telling me what to do. Unless I ask - and even then, I still might not listen...

xx

You, me + 3