.dear diary.

Dear diary,

Today I cleaned the house from bottom to top. But while I was cleaning the top, the kids trashed the bottom; and while I was cleaning the bottom, they trashed the top. FML. I've heard the saying 'cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos' but I think for my kids, it should be 'cleaning your house with kids is like brushing your teeth, while drinking black coffee, while eating Oreos, on steroids'

I am so blessed to be a Mum, to be able to carry babies; bla bla bla. My kids fucking suck! I took them to the beach 4 days in a row last week, we had so much fun, I did no inch of housework. And now I'm suffering. Why do kids need entertaining? And why did I have 3?

Dear diary,

When I text my husband today he could tell the house was chaos. I knew I sounded too desperate. Dammit!! Why can't I play it cool like 'hey babe, dinner is at 7:30 kiss kiss' but instead I write 'fucking come home, I just got shat on, there's bananas mushed into our sheets and I haven't showered in daysssss'

Why can't I play it cool?

Dear diary,

Kids are well behaved today. Nothing to bitch about. 

Oh wait, I had the runs.... It was shit. Ha! Get it? Get it!!! Of course you do. You get me (and never talk back).

Dear diary,

I had to tell my son to get his penis out of his breakfast today *sigh* you'd think I'd never have to say that, right? I say it more than 'hello'. I also had to tell my daughter to get her butt out the air while we had visitors.

Dear diary,

I've had a terrible day. Husband works long hours, kids cry for him, I feel disgusting and have a million things to do before bed.... Ignoring everything for a glass of red and few eps of Sex and the City. Oh Carrie, you are my girl crush.

Dear diary,

I need new clothes. I need money. I need a job. Why is child care like a million dollars a day? I think my husband needs a cheaper hobby. 

Dear diary,

Today has been a massive struggle between bikini body and pizza; pizza always wins. WHY CAN'T PIZZA BE HEALTHY??? Why is pepperoni and cheese so fucking delicious? Anyway, kids are nude, as usual; how do parents keep their kids dressed? Did I miss that part at antenatal classes? I just can't figure it out...

Dear diary,

I still don't feel like an adult. How the hell do I have 3 small humans that I'm supposed to care for? I just want 2 minute noodles for dinner and wear pj's all day! Who let me adult? Maybe I'll feel more adult in my 30's...? Hahaha just kidding, adulting sounds stupid... I'm never gonna grow up.

Dear diary,

I'm stuck wrapping stupid presents for my stupid children who will be so ungrateful on Christmas morning anyway. At least I have my champagne and Mariah to get me through... Husband is out at staff party, not that he would help. I keep cutting the stupid paper too small, help me. Can I just wrap a bow around everything? Or just keep them in their plastic bags? How do people do this? I hate it. Too hard basket.

Dear diary,

I gave up on Christmas present wrapping and I have resorted to Mariah Carey Christmas carols karaoke. I apologise to anyone on my snap chat. I'm sure my kids will understand when they themselves become parents why I was such a shit one. God, love them... 

When they sleep.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal...

And a happy new year.

You, me + 3