.how to prepare yourself for children. toddler edition

.HOW TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR CHILDREN.. TODDLER EDITION.

Grab absolutely everything you own, rub vegemite all over it, dump it in a toilet and then smash it on the floor until it shatters into a gatrillion pieces. Oh and while you're cleaning up that mess, ask your husband to delicately get your very expensive make up and either shove it in the toilet or dig his fingers so far into every powder or lipstick that he has to wipe the remainder all over the bath. That's just step one of surviving your time with a toddler. And I have 3!



Get your spouse to scream at you that he wants 2 minute noodles, make it, hand it to him, only for him to scream that you DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT!!!!!!! and storm off. Try and understand what the actual fuck is going on, console your spouse while getting screamed at to "GO AWAY" then drink your body weight in wine.

Buy your weekly groceries (online, don't go into a shop for like 15 years, that shit's cray), carefully put all said groceries away. Then, get your spouse to pull out the eggs, one by one (that step is more fun but not necessary) and smash them on the floor, watch him wipe it all over himself and the fridge. Clean it up while guarding the eggy mess with one hand and take said egg mess out to the garbage and come back in to find your spouse back in the fridge with his arms elbow deep in yoghurt with yoghurt covering the floor, fridge door and every single sauce you didn't even know you had. Then drink your body weight in wine. 

Get your spouse to bite you at least 7 times a day, kick you 5 times a day and slap you in the face once every other day. Pick up your spouses shit 23 times every day and change your sheets more than once a night. Oh and tell them to verbally abuse you every day for the rest of your life. Then, drink your body weight in wine.

Never shave your legs and do your arm pits about once a week. Try to take a dump in peace and quiet but get your husband to come in every 2 seconds and ask if you're done yet or "do you know how to wipe?". Start having a shower but get out every 20-30 seconds and call out "don't put your sisters barbie in the toilet" or my personal favourite "don't pee on your sister". And get all of your favourite and expensive clothes and just pour everything in your fridge onto them. Get your spouse to randomly scream as high pitched as possible every day. Then, drink your body weight in wine, plus some!

If you are thinking about having kids, read this, follow these very precise instructions, read it again and follow these instructions EVERY day for about 7 years. Then you might be ready for kids.

I love my family very much but I wish I knew this simple truth. Raising a family IS HARD! The sooner I realised this, the easier my life became. I didn't have to be perfect because my little shit heads love me no matter what! And my bigger fan is my husband and that won't change, even if I don't shave my arm pits for a week. Having a family is the most rewarding experience of my life and even though I find it EXTREMELY tiring, I wouldn't change a thing!!

Ps I don't condone alcoholism but I highly suggest keeping a stash of wine, trust me, you'll need it!

You, me plus 3

.hipster wankers.

Now I’m not paying out all hipsters here. Some of you can be quite nice actually, but the majority….. wankers. 

You think you’re too cool to say hi to me? Wanker. You think I’m not cool enough to shop at General Pants? Wanker. You think I’m ‘not cool enough’ to wear chucks? Wanker, I’ve been wearing chuck taylors while you were having your ass wiped by mummy.

I’ve been dressing a certain way since I was young and the only way to describe it is ‘different’. But now, everyone dresses like that and think they’re ‘cool’. Dammit! Tell that to the kids who used to bully me for dressing differently. They probably wear chuck taylors now, wankers… I still remember when I bought my first pair of converse high tops. they were orange and cons weren’t cool enough yet to have them in toddler size for my miniature feet. I did what anyone in my position would do and I got a pair, 2 sizes too big. I went to school the next day and some people liked them but I got a few laughs. Seriously, how does it affect you if I wear orange converse high tops? My life, my choice. Well, now every Tom, Dick and Harry has a pair and they are flying off the shelf 50% off at Paul’s warehouse (I got 2 pairs, thank you very much).

Oversized black reading glasses. Now these bad boys sell WITHOUT PRESCIPTION at sportsgirl… SPORTSGIRL?!!! They are ‘cool’ now. Another thing I was picked on for. I was 15 and I bought a sweet pair of big black (prescription) glasses and again, majority thought I looked stupid. Shame on you. I needed those to see, wanker.

Don’t even get me started on recycling my glass peanut butter jars and using them as cups because I’m a clumsy cluts and smash all my cups. Those things will break your foot if you drop them! Oh and I’m poor, can’t forget that reason. Now they have some shit fancy name – mason jars. Piss off you hipster wankers. STOP STEALING MY UNCOOL STYLE AND THINKING IT’S COOL….

You see, I’m going to turn 29 this year and I’m stuck in some sort of in between young and old realm… My husband tells me I should dress more ‘age appropriate’ … ok, I’ll go buy hideous dresses down to my calves and be depressed with my life. Piss off Brett (Love you) I’ll wear what I want. Maybe next time you take me to a work function I’ll chuck on a pair of Kylie Minogue gold pants, high top converse (obvi) and my black ray ban glasses. I don’t want to grow up – clearly.

And if you bloody hipsters steal one more piece of my style, I’ll pull all of your nose rings out, one by one. Which I took out, because you ALL HAVE IT NOW.

Love to you all….

ps this is just a bit of fun... Dress how you want and feel comfortable!