.confessions of a stay at home mum - part 2.

Before I had children of my own, I would hear stories about Mother's, just up and leaving their families. I would think 'what kind of horrible bitch would even contemplate leaving their children?' 

Me. 

I would.

Confessions of a stay at home Mum - part 2

• Sometimes, I envy working Mums.

And you know what? They probably envy me. Grass isn't always greener girls, we just have to remember to WATER OUR OWN GRASS! Kids are hard work, need constant attention and are hungry ALL THE TIME.... But I long for the day I get to finish my hot coffee before my son throws it on the floor.

• Sometimes, I think about packing a bag and just leaving (not forever, just for a week..... Or 7)

We have no family living close by, none even in our state! I wish I could drop the kids off so I can have a break, but I can't. And usually I'm ok with that..... Usually. 

Just every now and then, I'm jealous of people who have help.

• Sometimes, I drive around aimlessly for an hour, just so my son goes to sleep.

He is trying so hard to drop his day sleep. Fuck that!

• Sometimes, I nap instead of doing housework.

Then say that I've been sooooo busy all day. 

• Sometimes, I feel like I'm getting dumber.

I'm smart. I know stuff. Since my daughter has started school, I notice I'm smarter than I realise. But I don't use my brain for anything more than where to keep baby wipes or how many dishes I've done today. I like to be challenged.

• Sometimes, I tell my kids to shut up

Ok, I'm not proud of this one but it has happened on more than one occasion - aka today, in the car.

• Sometimes, at night, I leave the kitchen looking like a dogs breakfast because I get lazy when I drink too much wine.

I wish I could tell you this was a one off thing. No..... Actually, I wish that my husband would clean up.... 

• Sometimes, I ignore the kids when they're naughty.

Don't lie! You've all done it. I've seen a trillion mums do this. No one wants to deal with their asshole child. In fact, no one wants to even admit they are the parent of said asshole child.

• Sometimes, I tell my kids I have a virus when in actual fact, I'm hungover.

I have no words.

Latest hangover ^^^ after this night.

• Sometimes, I can drink a whole bottle of red and not feel the slightest bit hungover the next day.

Ok, I'm both proud and concerned, all in one go.

• Sometimes, I remember to chill the fuck out.

And I should do this way more often...

At the end of the day, I'm not perfect - none of us are. We're all a bunch of mums going through the same shit, at different stages of our lives.

Be kind

You, me + 3

.my son is an asshole - part 2.

He's just so much of an asshole that I wanted to blog about it again. Not for sympathy, just to get it off my chest. This is my therapy. 

Let's start with the broken TV.

This happened about 3 weeks ago - he threw a toy at the TV with such force that it should have fallen and landed on him if it were not for the tape holding it to the unit (thank fuck it was).

Fast forward to Saturday just gone....

Aaaaand this is what my brand new TV looks like.

#mysonisanasshole

So, now we have no TV and I literally hate him. (Not really. OK maybe I did for like 10 minutes. OK I lie, it was more like 24 hours)

He has kindly smashed carton upon carton of eggs.

The last time they were high up on the bench. I'm genuinely unsure how he reached them.

I have resorted to putting all eggs in a bowl, high up in a cupboard so basically even I can't reach them. I just want to live in a world where I can reach the eggs with ease. IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK??

I have lost count of the number of times the cat food or litter has been deliberately tipped onto the floor AFTER I have vacuumed. 

^^here you go Mum, you needed more stuff to vacuum.

Obviously I have my struggles with the older 2 but nothing even comes close to the amount of asshole that is my son. 

My mother in law keeps saying that this was exactly what my husband was like as a toddler. I just can't understand why I'm the one copping his karma...? 

I try my hardest to be nice; I know he's frustrated, getting his molars AND can't communicate yet. But it's hard to be nice to someone who has given you 2 black eyes and a concussion - WITHIN TWO WEEKS!

He asks for a cup of milk, looks at you, throws it all over the floor then mocks you to wipe it up. 

#mysonisanasshole

This is the hell I am living. 

He also tried to kill my husband by stuffing a toy car into the motorbike exhaust. If I hadn't seen him do it and my husband started driving, he said it would have exploded..... Way to go son, you're an asshole.

Friends compliment me on the amount of patience I have for the asshole but sometimes, it wears thin; and I usually end up blogging about it on my kitchen floor 

Stop being such an asshole dude!!!

Ps. He's not ALWAYS an asshole. Sometimes, he's my squish.

But more often an asshole ;-)

You, me + 3

.yes, I do want your opinion on how to raise my children.

If you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic.

From the moment you tell the world that you've done the no-pants-dance and you're growing a human inside your body, people literally HAVE to tell you what to do. 

Kindly fuck off

I love advice and I'll soak that shit up like a sponge but how I choose to raise my kids, has really nothing to do with anyone.

Don't start a sentence with 'you have to'

I hate that shit. I don't have to do anything. I'm a grown ass woman, I know what I'm doing, I know how to life. I even have grey hairs.

I love hearing about other peoples experiences and how they over came obstacles etc. but the way some people (usually idiot strangers who must think that I may be stupid) deliver the advice, is hideous. 

Don't bottle feed, don't use a bouncer, don't feed your baby rice cereal, do bottle feed, don't use a baby bath, do use a baby bath. 

There is so much contradictory information/advice out there that I decided to stop listening a long time ago: I will do what's best for MY family. 

I remember when I told a mid-wife that I was unsure if I would breast feed or not. Not that it's any of her business anyway. She had no idea about my history with breast feeding and the tongue tie issues my children had. Yet she told me I would need to speak to a breast-feeding specialist; just because I was unsure. So, I felt pressured into it for 7 weeks, feeling depressed the whole time because my son had reflux so horrendous that he would scream ALL FECKING NIGHT..... She wasn't there...... To comfort me, to comfort him, to hear my son scream, to watch me cry on the kitchen floor or to help me at 3am every morning. I know her intentions were good but 1 day after putting my son on the bottle, the screaming stopped... And my sanity returned.

As mums, we should never feel pressured into doing anything! We don't really have to tell anyone how we are choosing to parent our kids. I don't mind being open and honest about the way I do things but I don't think that's an invitation to advise me to do it differently. 

Ok, sometimes I do try to do things the way others suggest, usually everything goes to shit and I hate myself for listening to others. The way we do things works for me and MY family.  

Children are all different. They're never going to all act the same way. And neither are adults. 

So, quit telling me what to do. Unless I ask - and even then, I still might not listen...

xx

You, me + 3

.you are beautiful - be yourself.

I love myself and I am not ashamed. I am different and usually not 'on trend', I am not a size 6 anymore nor do my boobs perk like they used to. I don't have a model face nor a model body but I love the body that birthed 3 children. 

^^ I'll take a silly selfie over a sexy one, any day.

And you know what helped me love myself? Having children - especially girls. They look up to me in a way that no one ever will. I never stand in front of a mirror and express how 'fat' or 'hideous' I look. I loudly state 'I look great today'! And that is what my kids need to see. Confidence. If I love how I feel in my outfit, then who gives a flying fuck what others think? What's it to them anyway? They don't care about my oatmeal belly.... 

And the compliments we pay each other in our house, are endless. I tell my kids ALL the time how beautiful their spirit is, how amazing their mind is and how wonderful they look. When my husband tells me 'your tits look great in that top' I know it's the best I'll get, so I take it. And when my kids tell me that I am the most beautiful person they've ever seen, I believe them. 

When I stand on the scales, I look down and proudly say 'yay' at the weight I am. They all love taking turns weighing themselves and WE ALL CHEER! 

Mums - Don't be so hard on yourself! You grew a human - A HUMAN BEING inside of your body and even though they  can be assholes, I know they are eternally grateful. They look up to you in a way that no one ever will.

She loves me here because I gave her ice cream 

I know the way I look is not everyone's cup of tea, but who cares. I get comments on the way I look, not always positive, but who cares. I like the way I look and fuck I rock an undercut, because I'm finally confident enough to rock it. I've wanted one for ages... 

With the access to social media these days, I'm terrified of what it will be like when my kids are teens. I love teaching my kids that it's ok to be unique. It's more than ok, it's fucking awesome! 

I am my own unique person and I enjoy life.... 

Be an amazing influence for your children. People may not be kind, but shake it off. Haters gonna hate.

^^^^ me: age 14: and no, I have not changed. 

#loveyourself 

You, me + 3

.gastro GTFO.

Today, I ran towards my child's vomit. 

Maybe I thought my body would somehow morph into a bowl as soon as the chunky hideousness splashed my chest. I was wrong.

And obviously, I was not wearing K-Mart today.. No, no, today I was wearing my favourite (fecking expensive) shirt and One Teaspoon jacket..... Why, son.... WHHHHYYYYY??? Not One Teaspoon!!!

What IS this motherly instint that kicks in to run to catch vomit/poo/a sneeze? I don't even know why I did it? They do NOT teach that at birthing classes. But I think they should - 'Who here will be having an epidural? Oh and for some stupid reason you'll run TOWARDS vomit/poo. Any questions?'

I even caught my sons vomit WHILE I WAS DRIVING!!! Whoever says that women are bad drivers, clearly don't have kids. I caught vomit! While driving! In a fucking bucket! 

And then yes, I had to continue to drive with it in my lap...... 

Actually, I think I'm a ninja. I also caught his vomit, in a bucket, in the dark - yes people IN THE DARK, in the middle of the night.... AND it was a litre of fluid. I was so proud that I yelled at my husband that I need light (obviously to prove how ninja I was) and as I was boasting, the kid let's out a final milky vom to bring me down a peg. 

The worse part? I gave it to him #badmum

Actually, the worst part was when I was visiting my dear friend who is trying to get her life sorted to move interstate, and my son projectile vomited all over her son's room... Good luck with your move, here is a parting gift of fucking Gastro.

And now it's ripping through this household faster than my eldest ripped me a new one. And it is brutal. I'm talking on the kitchen floor, on the couch, on me, on the toys. 

On the plus side - I am that feckin good at disinfecting now. I'm so thorough and fast that I could legitimately get a job  disinfecting a contagious room in a hospital. Oh and I had an excuse to get rid of a hundred toys - bonus!

^^^ I should buy shares in Dettol 

All in all, we always survive. Always look on the positive - no one has ended up in hospital and my house is so spotless that you could eat off the floor...

And by now, after 5 years, I'm so used to sickness in this household that I'm as calm as a cucumber (or are they cool? I'm that too). I kick sicknesses butt.

Gastro, GTFO!

You, me + 3

.marriage is effing hard work.

Marriage is a tough slog and if you think that it's all about date nights, sex and sex, you're about to be hit with some fucking truth. It's basically about being able to love someone at the same time as wanting to kill them.

My relationship with my husband was a whirlwind relationship. We had a long distance relationship for 3 months before I moved state to be with him. Was I 100% certain it would work, no way. But I was in love and willing to give it a go. Best decision I have ever made. 3 amazing kids and nearly 7 years later, I love him more than anything - I still want to punch his face in sometimes, just not as much.

2 weeks into moving, I found out I was pregnant and we were both ecstatic. We had spoken about marriage so I knew it was on the cards but I was in no rush. 

On valentines day (so wanky), he proposed to me in the same spot he asked me to be his girlfriend (I actually laughed at the way he asked me to be his gf, felt like we were 12. He wasn't impressed). 

3 days later, we wed. #noregrets

My parents, our dog - Bronx and a family friend witnessed the wedding and it started raining during the 'ceremony' causing us to move under the harbour bridge.  I wouldn't change a thing... Although I was falling asleep during the vows, so I would change how tired I was. 

The next day at work, I casually told my boss 'oh I got married last night, can I change my last name?'.

We have our ups and downs and we fight but we are truely soul mates. There is no one else in this world who would put up with my weirdness as much as he does. And no woman I know would put up with my husband. We're a perfect fit. I even get along with his Mum - bonus. 

But marriage can be hard! Like when he naps during the day while I'm running around cleaning our house. I literally want to smother his face with a pillow until he's close to death - I obviously still need someone to pay my rent. But I'm just jealous that he gets to nap all the fucking time, and I DON'T!!!

Ok that's a touchy subject.

Marriage is hard because you no longer are able to be selfish. Even moreso when you have kids, but I'll save that for a different blog.

Marriage is all about balance and being a stay at home Mum, I feel like he gets to have all the fun while I'm knee deep in baby shit. And that sometimes hurts. I used to work too, ya know? Only now, I work harder, work longer hours and am constantly 'on call' all for zero dollars. ZERO. FECKING. DOLLARS! 

I am very lucky that I have an awesome husband who works hard for his family. Marriage is hard at times but it's mainly because I'm jealous of him having all the fun. We have to be a team and agree with each other, especially in front of our children. 

Then kill each other fighting later, when the kids are asleep. #parenting101

You, me + 3

.expectations.

When you become a Mum there are so many expectations you may have of yourself/your children, but I bet they are not even close to what reality depicts. I thought I might help you out

10 things you should expect when becoming a parent:

• Expect your life to become all about housework.

This one I loathe the most, but if you don't do it, who will? Piss off if you say 'my cleaner'. 

• Expect to karate chop your child at least once a day.

It's not that hard kids, just sit your bloody car seat! Literally takes me 37 minutes to convince my 3 miniature life drainers to sit and be buckled in the car. (I have been locked out of my car a number of times during this process)

• Expect to give up trying to be as 'economical' or 'organic' the more children you have. 

Do you know how many loads of washing I do a day? Minimum = 3. I'm not hanging that shit out, folding it AND putting it away. Dreaming! I run a dryer all day and I'm not even ashamed. The environment won't die because I dry my fucking clothes.

• Expect to randomly want to smell your children and be overwhelmed at how amazing they smell even while covered in mud.

My children each have their own smell. And I'm addicted to each of them in a different way. 

Dammit he smells good.

• Expect to pretend to care what other people think about your parenting but then realise it's too exhausting.

This one took me too long to realise.

• Expect to never sit down.

Enjoy being able to eat a meal sitting down, while you can. I'm currently scoffing my dinner, standing (hiding) in the kitchen, downing a glass of red.

I must add that I could actually sit down but my glass of red always ends up with meat or animal poo in it and my son eats nearly half my food. I'm seriously getting an iron deficiency because he eats my food.

• Expect to be beaten up by your kids. 

It's usually not intentional but I have had a number of black eyes, a concussion 

and this week I am sporting a hideous gouge on my face!

• Expect to drink way more wine than you ever expected.

No comment 

• Expect your husband to not listen.

I could literally tell him that I pierced my own nipples this week and he wouldn't even bat an eyelid.

• Expect to watch Disney movies at 10pm because you're desperate for that one awake child to stop bitching and go to sleep...

^^^ this book did not work.

All in all, have no expectations so you'll never be upset. Best advice I have EVER received. Have no expectations and you'll be fine.

And make sure you're stocked up in wine.

You, me + 3

.kids are assholes.

^^asshole #3 broke the TV this week

Kids are assholes; and it's our job, as parents, to guide them to be less asshole-ish so they can grow into non asshole adults. Let me tell you - I am failing at this task in life.

That milk on the floor is from my son spitting it on the ground while watching me and laughing. Intentional asshole act. 

• 3 days ago, I literally watched in horror as my 3 year old DAUGHTER took a piss on my unsuspecting sons head. Then, she did an evil laugh. What an asshole.

• A couple of weeks ago, I tore ligaments in my thumb and my kids knew I was in a lot of pain. I got a little sympathy but they mainly used it against me. 5 year old pulled it backwards while screaming at me 7 days after I did it. What an asshole.

• Just the other day, my 2 year old son peed on me, then tipped his milk on me while I was trying to get a splinter out of my screaming 5 year olds foot. What an asshole.

• Within 3 weeks, I have had a bottle pegged at my face by 2 different children, on 2 different occasions, at 2 different cheekbones, causing 2 different black eyes. What assholes.

• I have also had the iPad cracked on my head and face on 2 different occasions; by the same asshole child, with one time resulting in a concussion. If there was an asshole award, that child would win.

5pm requires copius amounts of wine, hiding in the kitchen and heaps more wine. Kids are always nude, feral and as I've said before, with a Lord Of The Flies essence to them. Some days - aka today - I just can't be bothered. I'm tired of the constant assholeness.

Can you imagine if someone treated you, the way your kids do, in your workplace? Being spat at, kicked, hit, verbal abuse; you'd get that asshole fired straight away. Can I fire my kids? Is that a thing? 

Now imagine that you did everything for that asshole; from wiping their butt to feeding them, washing their clothes and driving them everywhere. Do you think you could do it?

I couldn't. 

But because these kids grew inside my fat body, tore me a new one, causing me immense pain and hemerroids while birthing them, I should get some sort of respect.... Right? Oh so very wrong. These miniature assholes will beat you down until you become a wine loving blog-aholic who probably had too many kids to handle**

It's all about my attitude though. Sure, they can be assholes all they want but if I'm not pms-ing, I can handle it fine. Once that lining breaks away from my poor uterus, you better run away, and FAST. In fact, I've actually told my eldest to run before I catch her when I was pre-menstrual once - that was a fun day. 

At the end of the day, they go to bed, it's socially acceptable for me to drink wine and I finally have a (drunken) conversation with my husband. The best thing to remember is that the older they become, the less of an asshole they are.

Now, where is my fucking wine?

You, me + 3

** It is hard and I probably bit off more than I can chew, but wouldn't change my assholes for anything!!

.alone time.

I love my kids, I really do. But sometimes I just want to shit in peace; no crowd, no commentators and NO ONE sitting on my lap. We all know that never happens so as Mums, we need to make it happen. 

I hide in my kitchen majority of the time but hiding just isn't enough, they find me within 3 minutes. I need some alone time, I need some quiet, and sometimes I just need to escape. 

So I begged my husband to sign me up at the gym. He said 'no, too expensive, I make the rules because I am man' - something along those lines. So I intentionally put on weight....

He signed me up. He didn't want a fatty, fat, fat wife.

And I love it! I throw the kids at the crèche and yell a quick 'good luck' to the poor ladies looking after them, and I lift weights and squat.

 You know what the best part about the gym is? I get to go to the loo on my own. I probably go to the toilet 3 times per visit, not because I have to go but because I just love being able to take a piss without a child pulling on my clothing.

I also play netball at night time. Sometimes I'll jump at the chance to fill in for another team so I can have an extra 45 minutes away from my children. 

I am a much a better person/mother/wife when I get a break from my asshole kids. I love them and would do ANYTHING for them but let's face it, sometimes they're horrible and I want to build a blanket fort and run away from them.

Getting away from my kids keeps me semi-sane. That and wine (obviously).

Nothing can prepare you for how little alone time you'll have when you become a mum. It's hard to deal with at first but as time goes on, you'll start to become yourself again.

You, me + 3