.kids are assholes.

^^asshole #3 broke the TV this week

Kids are assholes; and it's our job, as parents, to guide them to be less asshole-ish so they can grow into non asshole adults. Let me tell you - I am failing at this task in life.

That milk on the floor is from my son spitting it on the ground while watching me and laughing. Intentional asshole act. 

• 3 days ago, I literally watched in horror as my 3 year old DAUGHTER took a piss on my unsuspecting sons head. Then, she did an evil laugh. What an asshole.

• A couple of weeks ago, I tore ligaments in my thumb and my kids knew I was in a lot of pain. I got a little sympathy but they mainly used it against me. 5 year old pulled it backwards while screaming at me 7 days after I did it. What an asshole.

• Just the other day, my 2 year old son peed on me, then tipped his milk on me while I was trying to get a splinter out of my screaming 5 year olds foot. What an asshole.

• Within 3 weeks, I have had a bottle pegged at my face by 2 different children, on 2 different occasions, at 2 different cheekbones, causing 2 different black eyes. What assholes.

• I have also had the iPad cracked on my head and face on 2 different occasions; by the same asshole child, with one time resulting in a concussion. If there was an asshole award, that child would win.

5pm requires copius amounts of wine, hiding in the kitchen and heaps more wine. Kids are always nude, feral and as I've said before, with a Lord Of The Flies essence to them. Some days - aka today - I just can't be bothered. I'm tired of the constant assholeness.

Can you imagine if someone treated you, the way your kids do, in your workplace? Being spat at, kicked, hit, verbal abuse; you'd get that asshole fired straight away. Can I fire my kids? Is that a thing? 

Now imagine that you did everything for that asshole; from wiping their butt to feeding them, washing their clothes and driving them everywhere. Do you think you could do it?

I couldn't. 

But because these kids grew inside my fat body, tore me a new one, causing me immense pain and hemerroids while birthing them, I should get some sort of respect.... Right? Oh so very wrong. These miniature assholes will beat you down until you become a wine loving blog-aholic who probably had too many kids to handle**

It's all about my attitude though. Sure, they can be assholes all they want but if I'm not pms-ing, I can handle it fine. Once that lining breaks away from my poor uterus, you better run away, and FAST. In fact, I've actually told my eldest to run before I catch her when I was pre-menstrual once - that was a fun day. 

At the end of the day, they go to bed, it's socially acceptable for me to drink wine and I finally have a (drunken) conversation with my husband. The best thing to remember is that the older they become, the less of an asshole they are.

Now, where is my fucking wine?

You, me + 3

** It is hard and I probably bit off more than I can chew, but wouldn't change my assholes for anything!!