.the bachelor - what have I been missing.

Oh my dear Lord. What have I been missing?

Ok, ok, so I saw the bachelor advert while I was chatting with my husband and seriously, the hotness of this guy stopped me mid-sentence.... I can't even... Like literally, so hot. 

But I have a few questions...?

Why is a man, who reeks of handsomeness, still single? Is he bad in bed? Maybe he has a small wang? Maybe he's a shit guy in real life? 

Why are all these gorgeous girls still single? They look amaze balls, do they not? Those gowns, that hair, oh em gee. I wish I looked like that.

We all know why Sandra is single... But the rest? 

What is the white rose? What does it mean? Does she get to bang him?

The drama that fills my loungeroom right now, is amazing (probably because I'm 3 glasses of red deep), and it will continue to fill my loungeroom EVERY TIME THIS SHOW IS ON! I'm hooked.

By the way, who the fuck is Osher? Pretty sure I met that guy 10 years ago at Australian Idol auditions and his name was Andrew G.

Stay tuned.... I will review this show every time it is on. And I promise that it will be hilarious. 

You, me + 3

.i have one of 'those' kids.

You know 'that' kid....  The rough one. The naughty one. The one you move your child away from at the park? Yeah, he's mine.

He cares not, nor does he judge.... Unlike some parents. 

Because apparently, when my son goes mental, I am a bad parent. Obviously we are one, therefore I am also mental. 

He

Is

Just

One

Of

Those

Kids

I thought I had parenting ALL figured out when I had my 2 girls. I was smug and now, karma bit my butt, and it bit hard. I had ZERO idea what it was like to have boys. I had a 'cafe baby' with my first and a perfect sleeper for my second. I was so confident in having 3, that what was about to hit me, hit me hard. 

Let's start with the birth. 

My theory is: the harder the birth, the harder the child (in no way is this true but it's how my kids are)

If this theory were true, I should have known from the minute his head ripped through my delicate flower, sans epidural,  cord around his neck whilst not breathing. (More shit happened but it's too boring - let's just say it was the worst out of the 3)

I always loved newborn cries. My girls had soft, little infant cries that you couldn't even hear while you were a room away.

My son? Trying to wipe that black tar crap off his balls and Midwifes came to my room because they could hear him from 4 rooms away. 

I tried to do the exact same routine from birth as I did with my excellent sleeper but failed miserably. His scream was so loud that my neighbour used to bang on the wall (bitter old hag). I was so used to good sleepers that when my son would wake up 4-5 times a night, I literally wanted to go back in time and punch myself in the face for being so smug the first 2 times. What a dickhead.

I heard boys were tough work but never in a million years did I imagine I would be copping bottles to the face, spoons to the head, skateboard to the head, and just recently (and his new favourite) punching me in the face. 

I know I'm doing some things right, I have asked MANY people; I just have to keep telling myself 'he is only 2, this WILL pass' and that is what stops me from dropping him in a field.

#heisjustoneofthosekids

You see, it's hard to always be kind to someone who constantly hurts you. I have to love him, he's mine but I completely understand those mums who pull their kids away from him. It hurts my feelings, but I get it. He doesn't understand, but I do. And my kids will grow up standing up for themselves, I like them to sort their own shit out. 

Next time you pull your child away from one of 'those kids', just remember to give that Mum a smile, not a snarl. It's not her fault, she is trying!

They probably just have one of 'those' kids.

You, me + 3

.I'm not JUST a mum.

You know that question?

'What do you do for a living?'

My answer, without fail, every time:

Ohhhh, I'm just a Mum.

Like it's an unimportant job!??

Nah mate, fuck that.... I carried humans inside my body; like, actually grew them. Yeah sure, my husband helped but he had the fun job of jizz, but WE do all the hard work! 

A mother's job is the MOST important job in the world. A newborn is helpless without the nurture of its Mum. They need us to survive. So then why do I add 'just' in front of the most important job title I will ever accomplish? 

I do: over time, fix boo-boos (real and imaginary), wipe away tears, cheer for them; I am their biggest fan. I do the school run, say yes to play dates at 4pm when I should be prepping dinner; I cook, clean, wash clothes..... I do everything. I don't get paid and sometimes yes, it's depressing but I feel more needed than I ever will. 

Our babies need us. And they need us to be well! Never be afraid to ask for help. I was, I never used to ask for help. I wanted to prove that I was supermum. And for what? Then I had my son (satan) and I burnt out. I cried a lot; and I started sinking. It's only recently that I have felt better, mentally. 

He's still an asshole though

 This happens on the regular.

But at least he's not up all night, right?

He's a different kind of hard at age 2.

I AM A MOTHER! I am proud. I am NOT 'just a mum'; I AM A MUM. 

Being a Mum is the hardest, most emotionally draining job on the planet. I can't complain to HR because my son threw a skateboard at me; I have to cop it sweet (and kick his ass). I can't have a normal conversation to my daughter because she treats me like a piece of shit, I have to cop it sweet and drink a shit tonne of wine to survive my life. 

I'm just thankful I have an amazing husband who just brought me 2 BOTTLES OF PINOT! Woop woop!

This is a small snippet of my life. It will not last forever and when people say they feel for me, I say 'but it doesn't last forever'.... It's all gonna be ok.

You, me + 3

.20 things I miss since having kids.

I thought I missed a lot of things when I had JUST ONE BABY..... Just one baby is so easy to palm off, try asking someone to watch my three assholes just so I can have a hair cut.... Too hard basket.

So, without further a due, here are: 20 things I miss since having kids.

(Everything.... I miss everything)

1. Obviously the first thing is the hairdressers. 

I have to co-ordinate a time with my husband so he can watch the kids, he works Saturdays so I'm screwed. AND THEN I have to ask for like $400. I gave up and started cutting and colouring my own hair.

But I do miss that glorious head massage  with a basin wash. 

2. Walking.

Sounds stupid right? Have you ever walked ANYWHERE with a 5, 3 and 2 year old? I'd rather chew glass.

3. Waking up like a normal human being. It's like a switch goes off when you have babies, and you will NEVER wake up like a normal human again. I have been woken up by: crying, being licked on the face, being jumped on, a bottle to the face (thanks for the black eye), an iPad to the face (thanks for another black eye), fighting etc.... And that's just from my husband.... (Lol JKS) 

4. Wearing white.

I still try to occasionally wear it. I am quickly reminded why I should not. Usually because I spill red wine on myself.

5. Silence.

My life is constant noise. I really miss being alone with my thoughts. 

6. My perky D cups.

My husband misses those bad boys more than I do. Now they're just sad saggy cups that clap when I run. At least it sounds like someone is cheering.

7. Lazy Hangovers.

Oh em motherfuckin gee. Have you ever been so hungover with 3 kids that you have to pretend you have a virus? No? Yeah, me either..... I just wanna watch dvd's ALL DAY, but they 'need' food and other boring things.

8. Playing guitar.

If you knew me prior to children, you knew that I played guitar ALL THE TIME. You know where my guitar lives now? Collecting dust in my garage; and it makes me sad. Ps I've tried to play it around the kids but they just annoy the shit out of me when they hold the strings.

9. Grocery shopping.

I never stray from my online grocery shop but I ALWAYS forget stuff! If I go down every isle, I don't forget - but I also spend $200 more.

10. Leaving anywhere.

You know how easy it is to leave a place by yourself? You just walk out the fucking door! Leaving with my kids...? Takes at least an hour. I have to bribe my kids to leave ANYWHERE. Every. Single. Feckin. Time. And they don't forget. Oh no, they're at that age where they'll remind you, constantly.... Until you cave; or drive off a cliff.

11. Doing a poo without a child asking to see it.

Childless people - THIS SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENS (pun intended). You can't drop a nugget without one, if not all kids, asking to see it or asking if you know how to wipe properly. 

12. Anytime Sex 

Not gonna lie.... Our bedroom door locks..... We've had a sneaky sesh while cartoons are on, on more than one occasion. 

13. Date night with my husband.

We have no family around so date nights only happen when we have family visiting. And that's not often enough.

Our last date night ^^^ in February.

14. Cleaning my house and it STAYING CLEAN.

I just want my house to stay clean for longer than 17 minutes. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

15. Being lazy.

I still attempt to be lazy, but then get pissed off because no one else does any house work.

16. Listening to ANYTHING BUT FROZEN!!!!

Let it gooooooooo

She is wearing frozen dress and boots.

17. Adult interaction.

I just want to have a normal conversation with an adult. And not have to negotiate with satan (aka toddlers).

18. Having a wide open schedule.

What do you wanna do today? Oh I dunno, whatever the fuck we want....

(My husband came up with this one)

19. Going out for dinner.

Not the same as date night.... Try going out to dinner WITH your kids. Last time we tried, my second child was 5 days old, I was as fat as a house and there was a table of about 19 cool 20 something year olds and I was so anxious about breast feeding that I literally left without eating anything. 

20. Drum roll please.......

I miss an UNINTERRUPTED FULL NIGHTS SLEEP.

If you can't tell, it's been a while. I also miss space in my own bed. 

When it all began ^^ first baby - big mistake

What are some things you miss?

You, me + 3