.the perfect housewife.

Look at my perfect child. I am so perfect.

Look at me and how perfect I am. I vacuumed AND *mopped today, so I thought I'd post a pic on Insta to show what a perfect fucking housewife I am.

*by mopped, I obviously mean that I used baby wipes to clean a few weeks worth of spills.

I broke my foot 3 weeks ago and this is the first week I've been able to do housework without having a throbbing kankle. In other words; our house has been beyond pig sty status, for 3 weeks. 

In that 3 weeks and not being able to keep on top of things, I have had a lot of time to think.....

I wish I could be the perfect housewife, but I'm not. I wish I could have my house spotless every second of every day, but I can't. I wish I could go ONE DAY WITHOUT YELLING, but I can't. I wish, I wish, I wish.

But honestly, who cares? I spend so much time in my own head, trying to be 'perfect' that I forgot that everyone's idea of 'perfect' is different. And the only person who I want to please in life, is my husband (am I right, ladies?? *wink wink*). And he thinks I'm perfect. Messy house and all. Broken ankle and all. Big booty and all. He does love the big booty....

I have a 'perfect' marriage and we need to change not one thing. We love ripping on each other on Facebook and in some sick and twisted way, that's our way of showing love. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's ours (with a little whiskey). 

Everyone has their differences. Some women have spotless homes, then there's me. Some days (today) my kids leave the house without t-shirts and shoes, and I literally open up a box full of zero fucks; I do not care. My car is messy; I do not care. I clean it out once a week but in the meantime, zero fucks given. 

                Thanks Bill. You get it...

I used to have a fabulously clean house, until I had a third child, who never slept. The fucks went out the window the same time his sleep patterns did... I still love a clean environment and nothing makes my nostrils happier than the smell of bleach and disinfectant; but I hate tidying up toys/clothes/shoes. It kills my soul, so I don't do it. 

In a nutshell, I love a clean house, don't give a fuck about a tidy house. 

How can we be the 'perfect housewife' when there are only 24 hours in a day....?

Firstly, we need our beauty sleep. No one wants a haggard wife. 7-8 hours gone. 

Secondly, do you actually know how long it takes to get 3 (4 including the husband) kids ready in the morning? A long fucking time, all right?

Thirdly, I don't even remember the last time I showered. I can't shower while my youngest is awake because the last time I did that, he smothered himself in my favourite (and expensive) red lipstick. I refuse to make the same mistake. 

                        Like, what? 

How can I be so perfect when I have no time for myself?

Please teach me oh wise ones, how do I become so perfect?

Actually, I AM the perfect housewife for my husband. Because no one else matters

You, me + 3