.what to expect when you're expecting - the untold story.

The book ''What to expect when you're expecting'' was my bible during my first pregnancy. I read it day and night, hoping to catch a glimpse of what it could be like to be a Mum. I thought I knew..... 

I had NO FUCKING CLUE!

At this point in time, my children are running around naked, with their pants on their head, chanting 'we're wearing a wiiiiig'. I never pictured I'd reference my year 12 drama play 'Lord Of The Flies' but give those kids an island and we're there.

From hemerroids to stretch marks, there are a few realistic clues that book let's us in on, but nothing could prepare me for the reality of being a parent.

^^ my life.

What to expect?

Expect pain and constant nagging - and that's just your husband. Expect to drink more than you did when you were 18 years old (but, in your trackies this time). Expect mice because your kids put food in places you didn't even know existed. 

Some women get that magical 'pregnancy glow' and some women (aka me) get hemerroids so awful that it feels like you're shitting glass. I legitimately hate women who look amazing while pregnant. I hate their stupid glow. They look amaze and I just looked like a fat slob. 

What to expect? 

Expect to be loved but also kicked in the vagina, all in the same day. Expect for your children to hate you so much that you actually consider leaving them at the shopping centre. Expect to hide in your kitchen, bitching about them on blogs while eating all the chocolate.

What to expect?

Expect your stomach to look a bowl of rolled oats after 3 pregnancies. And for your boobs to look depressed; they honestly look sad that they're no longer perky. Expect to hate your new body at first but then slowly realise that you look amazing because you were able to carry babies in that porridge belly! Expect to love someone so much even after they've caused you so much pain and tore you a new asshole. Expect your house to NEVER be clean. But eventually you'll get over it.

Expect to feel like you're not doing a good enough job, every damn day. Expect post partum blues. Expect to touch poo with any body part that catches it. Expect awesome Mother's Day presents that your child made. It's not that pretty but it means the world to me that she made it.

But most of all, expect to be loved.... They'll treat you like shit, but deep down they truley love you!

Peace and love to all 

You, me + 3