.kids are assholes.

^^asshole #3 broke the TV this week

Kids are assholes; and it's our job, as parents, to guide them to be less asshole-ish so they can grow into non asshole adults. Let me tell you - I am failing at this task in life.

That milk on the floor is from my son spitting it on the ground while watching me and laughing. Intentional asshole act. 

• 3 days ago, I literally watched in horror as my 3 year old DAUGHTER took a piss on my unsuspecting sons head. Then, she did an evil laugh. What an asshole.

• A couple of weeks ago, I tore ligaments in my thumb and my kids knew I was in a lot of pain. I got a little sympathy but they mainly used it against me. 5 year old pulled it backwards while screaming at me 7 days after I did it. What an asshole.

• Just the other day, my 2 year old son peed on me, then tipped his milk on me while I was trying to get a splinter out of my screaming 5 year olds foot. What an asshole.

• Within 3 weeks, I have had a bottle pegged at my face by 2 different children, on 2 different occasions, at 2 different cheekbones, causing 2 different black eyes. What assholes.

• I have also had the iPad cracked on my head and face on 2 different occasions; by the same asshole child, with one time resulting in a concussion. If there was an asshole award, that child would win.

5pm requires copius amounts of wine, hiding in the kitchen and heaps more wine. Kids are always nude, feral and as I've said before, with a Lord Of The Flies essence to them. Some days - aka today - I just can't be bothered. I'm tired of the constant assholeness.

Can you imagine if someone treated you, the way your kids do, in your workplace? Being spat at, kicked, hit, verbal abuse; you'd get that asshole fired straight away. Can I fire my kids? Is that a thing? 

Now imagine that you did everything for that asshole; from wiping their butt to feeding them, washing their clothes and driving them everywhere. Do you think you could do it?

I couldn't. 

But because these kids grew inside my fat body, tore me a new one, causing me immense pain and hemerroids while birthing them, I should get some sort of respect.... Right? Oh so very wrong. These miniature assholes will beat you down until you become a wine loving blog-aholic who probably had too many kids to handle**

It's all about my attitude though. Sure, they can be assholes all they want but if I'm not pms-ing, I can handle it fine. Once that lining breaks away from my poor uterus, you better run away, and FAST. In fact, I've actually told my eldest to run before I catch her when I was pre-menstrual once - that was a fun day. 

At the end of the day, they go to bed, it's socially acceptable for me to drink wine and I finally have a (drunken) conversation with my husband. The best thing to remember is that the older they become, the less of an asshole they are.

Now, where is my fucking wine?

You, me + 3

** It is hard and I probably bit off more than I can chew, but wouldn't change my assholes for anything!!

.alone time.

I love my kids, I really do. But sometimes I just want to shit in peace; no crowd, no commentators and NO ONE sitting on my lap. We all know that never happens so as Mums, we need to make it happen. 

I hide in my kitchen majority of the time but hiding just isn't enough, they find me within 3 minutes. I need some alone time, I need some quiet, and sometimes I just need to escape. 

So I begged my husband to sign me up at the gym. He said 'no, too expensive, I make the rules because I am man' - something along those lines. So I intentionally put on weight....

He signed me up. He didn't want a fatty, fat, fat wife.

And I love it! I throw the kids at the crèche and yell a quick 'good luck' to the poor ladies looking after them, and I lift weights and squat.

 You know what the best part about the gym is? I get to go to the loo on my own. I probably go to the toilet 3 times per visit, not because I have to go but because I just love being able to take a piss without a child pulling on my clothing.

I also play netball at night time. Sometimes I'll jump at the chance to fill in for another team so I can have an extra 45 minutes away from my children. 

I am a much a better person/mother/wife when I get a break from my asshole kids. I love them and would do ANYTHING for them but let's face it, sometimes they're horrible and I want to build a blanket fort and run away from them.

Getting away from my kids keeps me semi-sane. That and wine (obviously).

Nothing can prepare you for how little alone time you'll have when you become a mum. It's hard to deal with at first but as time goes on, you'll start to become yourself again.

You, me + 3

.mum dating.

Oh em gee, you guys. Mum dating. It's a thing and it's real. 

Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you're new to the whole Mum thing? You're covered in coffee stains and poop, baby vom in your hair and usually wearing your shirt inside out (totes me about 5 years ago). You never have an adult conversation and when you get a sales call from your mobile provider, you usually stay on the phone for an hour and a half telling them how many times your child took a shit that day. 

Nobody cares. Your normal friends with normal lives don't care. With all that normal freedom, they don't care. But then, across the park, you spot a Mum with her kids, snot in her hair and vom smeared on a boob - she's just like you and you know that she'll care. But how do you become friends?  

Your kids play together, you laugh at them punching each other in the face, throwing bark on one another, then she jokes 'is it too early to drink wine?' then you look in her eyes and you KNOW that you need to be her friend.

So you go in for the kill 'what's your number? Maybe we could get coffee and take the kids to the park one time'. She replies 'yeah sure, sounds fun'.

Boom! You're in.

If that were regular dating, you'd totally get laid.

Mum dating is harder than normal dating. You don't want to come across desperate for friends; but really, you are. You need great friends in your life. Let's be honest; your husband doesn't listen to you.... Your girlfriends do. Us mums - us women have to stick together. Woman power and all that shit. 

This isn't mean girls. Don't be a bitch. Be a friend.

Good girlfriends is what keeps me sane. I love you girls! 

2008 ^^^ 

You, me + 3

.so - you're an adult now.

I wanted to be a 'grown up' my whole childhood - but now I am one and well, it sucks - I just want to be a kid again. 

Best part about being an adult? You can do stuff, just because. How good is that shit? Oh and buy booze with a REAL ID (but they never ask me because I look 100). If I wanna ditch my responsibilities to burrito myself in a doona (duvet) all night, drink red wine and watch trash TV, I can. You know why? Because I'M AN ADULT. 

I do what I want.

But then reality kicks in and I actually realise that I have to care for 4 other humans and I can't do what I want. And it sucks big fat hairy balls. 

I thought I had a tonne of responsibility before I had kids, thought I had my shit together. Oh how wrong, how wrong I was. 

Now you're an adult, you can stay up late whenever you want, but you fall asleep in front of the TV almost every night.

Now you're an adult, you can finally buy all the clothes/bags/shoes/anything you could never afford when you were a kid. But then you receive a mega bill in the mail and remember that you STILL CAN'T afford anything. I won a competition recently and I won money. You know where it all went? All on debt..... Ultimate sad panda.

Being an adult sometimes really sucks. I have responsibility coming out my butt and I can not keep up. But at the same time I can make my own choices, which is rad. I have pink hair at the moment, just because I wanted pink hair, so I did it! 

And I love it!

You know what else I can do? Swear. And boy do I ever...!

I love a good fucking swear word. 

All in all, being an adult is fuckin' ok but being a child is way more fun... No responsibility.

Ps. My 3 year old is rubbing her vagina on my back as I write this and I am not ok with it 

Send help.

You, me + 3

.what to expect when you're expecting - the untold story.

The book ''What to expect when you're expecting'' was my bible during my first pregnancy. I read it day and night, hoping to catch a glimpse of what it could be like to be a Mum. I thought I knew..... 

I had NO FUCKING CLUE!

At this point in time, my children are running around naked, with their pants on their head, chanting 'we're wearing a wiiiiig'. I never pictured I'd reference my year 12 drama play 'Lord Of The Flies' but give those kids an island and we're there.

From hemerroids to stretch marks, there are a few realistic clues that book let's us in on, but nothing could prepare me for the reality of being a parent.

^^ my life.

What to expect?

Expect pain and constant nagging - and that's just your husband. Expect to drink more than you did when you were 18 years old (but, in your trackies this time). Expect mice because your kids put food in places you didn't even know existed. 

Some women get that magical 'pregnancy glow' and some women (aka me) get hemerroids so awful that it feels like you're shitting glass. I legitimately hate women who look amazing while pregnant. I hate their stupid glow. They look amaze and I just looked like a fat slob. 

What to expect? 

Expect to be loved but also kicked in the vagina, all in the same day. Expect for your children to hate you so much that you actually consider leaving them at the shopping centre. Expect to hide in your kitchen, bitching about them on blogs while eating all the chocolate.

What to expect?

Expect your stomach to look a bowl of rolled oats after 3 pregnancies. And for your boobs to look depressed; they honestly look sad that they're no longer perky. Expect to hate your new body at first but then slowly realise that you look amazing because you were able to carry babies in that porridge belly! Expect to love someone so much even after they've caused you so much pain and tore you a new asshole. Expect your house to NEVER be clean. But eventually you'll get over it.

Expect to feel like you're not doing a good enough job, every damn day. Expect post partum blues. Expect to touch poo with any body part that catches it. Expect awesome Mother's Day presents that your child made. It's not that pretty but it means the world to me that she made it.

But most of all, expect to be loved.... They'll treat you like shit, but deep down they truley love you!

Peace and love to all 

You, me + 3

.happy Mother's Day.

Mother's day is a beautiful day that we get to celebrate the Mothers in our lives. So why do I want to spend the day by myself?

Maybe because I DO FUCKING EVERYTHING, EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE!!!

My husband is amazing though. He passed out on the couch at 7:45pm (because playing 'mum' is bloody tough work) but he has been amazing all day. 

This man provides for our family. He goes to work every damn day, just so we can live 50 meters away from the crashing sound of the ocean. This man even worked so hard that he randomly passed out one morning because his body told him to stop. He is a bloody legend. 

If you can't tell, this Mother's Day has been the best one I have experienced. I received amazing hand made presents from my kids, the day off AND I even got pizza and red wine for dinner - my favourites.  

Having a little time off today has made me realise how valuable I am to our unit. As much as I feel useless somedays, I know that my family need me. 

I don't care that I earn no money, because I have love. I have so much love that I had to blog about it. I came home and put my key in that door today and they came running - they actually missed me!! AND I walked in and the house was actually tidy.... The best Mother's Day present a Mum could wish for - a clean house WITH dishes put away!

I know my husband works hard for us, but today I finally realised I work hard (and am appreciated) for my family. 

Being a Mum is hard fucking work!! But I love it! I love feeling needed; even if it took having a break for me to realise; I love it.

^^^ Trying to take a dump today 

.mummy abuse.

Tonight, I write to you from my kitchen floor, tears rolling down my face, clutching my wine, wondering why my children hate me.

Being a Mum is hard - I've said that time and time again, but I'd actually like to give you an insight into my life. 

Just today, I have been kicked multiple times, bitten multiple times, hit multiple times, I've even been called an aray names including 'stupid idiot' and 'idiot meany'. It's debilitating, mainly because my vagina was cut open so they could breathe life. And that hurts..... It hurts mentally and physically and sometimes I could actually run away. We cope however we can -  usually on Coffee and/or wine. Please, no judgement...

I understand how much I used to hurt my Mother, and now that hurts me. And she DIDN'T EVEN DRINK WINE!!! I was a bitch!!! But don't worry, karma got me good... (Sorry Murray)

Nowadays, I do EVERYTHING wrong, I am a terrible Mother and I NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!! But I know one day, they'll genuinely appreciate everything I've done for them...

I am very lucky I have a husband who loves me and supports me when the kids are giving me a hard time. He even bought me a case of wine - I think I'll keep him.... I honestly don't know how single parents do it...? If I didn't have that support, I'd be lost! Power to single parents, you are stronger than thou.

I know that seasons come and go and with the devastation that has happened in Nepal, I am thankful that my kids are safe and alive in their beds. I am also thankful that I was able to have kids. I NEVER take it for granted. Yes, it is hard but I would change NOTHING!

Mums of the world, I'm here to listen. It's going to be ok! Yes, sometimes life sucks big hairy balls, but we are the best person for the job. Remember that! Happy Mother's Day! 

Peace and love to all

You, me + 3