.mum life - part 1.

You know you're a Mum when:

You willingly leave the house with snot smeared on your crotch (at least it looks like you've had some action ;-))

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

You pick a human turd up off the floor with your BARE HAND, just so your baby doesn't get to it before you grab the toilet paper. Even though it's only 2 steps away - he'll still beat you to it.

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

Your breakfast is a piece of half eaten vegemite toast and 2 bites of the last apple. Obviously, when you're nice and offer your child the last apple, it's disgusting and how could you dare? But when you eat the last apple...? How could YOU DARE...? 

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

You get excited when you hear the wiggles are in town but don't even bat an eyelid when Pink is in town.

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

You smell someone's butt to check if they've done a shit.

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

You clap and shout 'YAY!' while watching someone take a dump.

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

Your shower looks like a barbie orgy

You know you're a Mum when:

You have a designated cardy sleeve to wipe snot with.

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

You don't want to move because your kids have been asleep on you for an hour but you'd rather be uncomfortable than risk waking them. (My favourite)

#mumlife

You know you're a Mum when:

After putting kids down to nap, you sit and relax on the couch, only to realise that you have been watching Peppa Pig, Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom and Playschool for 40 minutes and actually enjoyed it. 

#mumlife

Can't wait to bring you part 2.

You, me + 3

.don't EVER grocery shop with kids.

Firstly, shoot yourself in the stomach, pull your appendix out (if you have one), drink snake venom and put a fork on your face. That would honestly be more enjoyable.

I usually do my grocery shopping online; I can control how much I spend, I can choose to have it delivered by smelly men who try to touch my children, or pick it up at a certain time. 

Obviously, I had a lapse of judgement today because for some reason, I thought I could do it with my asshole children. Luckily, one was at school; 2 kids while shopping isn't THAT bad, right? RIGHT!!??

So fucking wrong.

As soon as we arrived, my son decided to have a megaton tantrum because he - wait for it - wanted a balloon. FOR THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES. I gave him strawberries; he threw them at my face, at an old lady AND at the unsuspecting white shirt of an attractive male (sorry dude).

I forgot they just scream that they want ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. Pretty sure my 3 year old daughter screamed at me to buy her tampons because the box was pretty. I should have just bought them for her for Easter. Did I mention that I hate Easter...? 100% forgot that Easter eggs are everywhere and I am a scarce giver of chocolate in my house (have you ever had to look after 3 kids jacked up on sugar - FML)

Anyway, long story short, it was shit house, trying to stop my son throw all groceries out of the trolley while I try and put said groceries on the conveyer belt... Nightmare. Actually it wasn't that bad, I decided to ignore him 1 minute into our enjoyable experience, so some nice chap in line behind us started picking everything up for me. I was 'struggling' and 'flustered' and 'needed help', my high school drama teacher would have been very proud.

Oh and to top off my wonderful experience, I gave my eldest a tim tam when I picked her up from school. Worst mistake of my life; as I said, I'm a scarce chocolate giver. The sugar high sucks, but the come down is far worse than a crackhead on cocaine; they just want more. 

She asked for water - have you ever said 'we're just around the corner, just wait till we get home' to a kid (crackhead) jacked up on sugar (cocaine) ??

Yeah, that was fun. Apparently I'm stupid because I couldn't reach the water while I was driving a motor vehicle. I would have crashed: but none of that matters when a five year old wants water....! 

A feral beast inside of me was unleashed that afternoon and I cut sick on the yelling. I felt awful afterwards, she was so sad that I frightened her... Oops. 

The downside of being a parent.

Point of my story: don't grocery shop with kids unless you want to feel shit afterwards..

You, me + 3

.i lost two kids this week.

I attended my daughters first school disco today.... Let's just say I'd rather eat a scorpion before I attend another one of those...

For starters, it was at 4:45pm. Four: forty-five? Who has a dance at 4:45? Totally fucks up my arvo routine of sitting on my couch, doing sweet F.A (usually glass of wine and Facebook) then doing more cleaning in the 10 minutes before my husband gets home than I do all day. 

It was 45 minutes long; which meant it was too short for me to go home in between; so I had to go with all 3 ratbag kids, because it was at FOUR : FORTY - FIVE and my husband was obviously WORKING, like a normal human being on a Thursday afternoon. How else are we supposed to afford my shopping addiction? 

My kids seemed to be the only ones who found a dirty puddle and thought it may be the best idea they've EVER had to LAY DOWN IN IT!!! Oh yes, other kids did see it and some even had a little stomp in it; but my kids? They covered themselves HEAD TO TOE in muddy water. Do you think I bought spare clothes?

So my son was running around in a nappy, as happy as a pig in mud (literally). Now, this kid is fast! He is not yet 2 and he can legit vanish from your sight faster than you can say his name. I have a particular skill of watching him with one eye while having conversations with adults. I often look like I have Tourette's by jumping up and running full speed after my son, casually carry him back to where I'm seated and keep going with my conversation. This happened about 5 times within 10 minutes and I got a number of comments like 'oh he's fast' and 'but he was just here a second ago' YES I know!! This is why I DON'T GO PLACES!! As the disco was ending, more parents gravitated to collect their precious cargos..... Then, in the crowd, as I was watching him, he was gone. Looking around for a good minute or 2 before I run to a Dad and shout 'Koa's missing, help me!!'

Found the little fucker in the hall with all the school kids. Thinking 'that's cool, he was safe'. Wrong! My mate comes up to me and says 'do you know where he was?' I'm like 'yeah, found him in the hall, thanks for helping' 

He says 'No, he was on top of the playground' 

Oh you mean around the other side of the hall, right next to a FUCKING ROAD?? 

Cool beans 

So yeah, it was fun....

The next day I lost my middle child...

At school again.

Whole grade of parents were searching.

They even mentioned her disappearance over the FUCKING PA SYSTEM 

Guess where she was?

Same spot my son was 😑

FML

.do you ever.

Do you ever just look at your children and  think 'what the fuck'...?

Exhibit A ^^^ my son, in a dress, inside the bunny hutch. What the fuck dude..?

At this present time, my girls are having a naked party (running around being annoying in the nuddy) but I obviously can't take a photo of that.... It's legit 3:30pm and I have cracked my first glass of red for the arvo - trust me, I thought it was already 5pm.

I did a phone interview for ABC radio today about breast fed babies having a higher IQ; I'm just watching my only breast fed child dribble on herself and I'm finding that study a little hard to believe... 

Bottle fed babes aren't the sharpest tools in the shed either: My husband told me the other day that my middle bear put a pencil in her fanny and started swinging it around singing 'I've got a willy!'.... We don't expect that one to attend university; and my son headbutts walls. I think we'll just be happy if each of them graduate school.

Do you ever just watch your children running around in the nude, hitting each other with kitchen utensils and think 'where did I go terribly wrong'...? 

...Yeah, me either. 

Do you ever just watch your 3 year old holding a packet of tampons while saying 'What are these?'

You reply: you'll learn about that one day

And your 5 year old pipes up out of no where, saying: I'm gonna eat those when I'm 81. 😳 what the...? 

Do you ever just catch the end of a conversation and think 'I don't even WANT to know' 

Example: hearing general chit chat about eldest daughter feeling sick while I'm driving. Hearing 3 year old casually state 'maybe you hurt your willy'...  *turns radio down to listen*

Ummmm what now?

I'm like 100% sure my eldest daughter has NO wang.

Do you ever just sit on Facebook all night because you're too exhausted (aka can't be bothered) with real life?

.... Yeah, me either 

Do you ever hear your 5 year old talk like she's ALREADY A TEENAGER???!!!

'This Babychino is soooo delicious I can't even deal. It's so healthy'

Shut up! You're FIVE! Play with a barbie.

Do you ever start fooling around with your husband and you both fall asleep, only to wake up with your hand on his crotch and his hand clutching your butt?*

How awkward if you have...!?

Do you ever watch your kids dance to Red Foo like this?

They know all the words to 'Sexy and I know it'. They are 3 and 5. THREE and FIVE!

Do you ever have a girls night where you're all just drinking wine in your pj's, in your own homes, texting each other all night and laughing about how you're all  messed up and your kids must honestly hate you...? Pretty much me. Every night. #drunktextingisfun 

Do you ever wear the same clothes for like 24-48 hours? I have what us Mum's call a 'baby wipe shower' like every day.... But only get a REAL shower every second day; even then, it gets bombarded by my thousand children, smacking my butt while yelling 'fat booty, fat booty'. Lucky I want a fat booty, otherwise there'd be hell to pay.

Do you ever have to stick your hand down the toilet 5 times before 9am...??

3 shoes (thrown in one after the other while putting the other toilet shoes outside)

A kristoff doll

And my MOTHER FUCKING KEYS!!!!

Someone legitimately told me to put a pair of tongs in the bathroom..... I would have to just stick my hand in to get them out anyway.

But do you ever just love your children so much that you can't even imagine how you EVER lived without them? 

You, me + 3

**disclaimer: I totally got my husbands permission to write about that.... I did, I swear. We both laughed about it in the morning, after we had sex in the shower.

.the breakdown with kids - survival guide.

Breakdown Survival Guide

Step 1:

Give kids away. 

Step 2:

Get doughnuts.

(Panic, call husband, yell at kids, yell at husband, get sworn at by kids, yell at kids again, make them cry, ask strangers to help, call NRMA; is totally not what happened)

I obviously experienced my first car break down with 3 small devils this week. At first I was panicking, only because I was going out with girlfriends that night and I needed time to look banging hot. Then the kids went feral. Actually they were already feral, I would have rathered watch someone with diarreah for 24 hours than hang out with them that day.

First they tried to steal Easter eggs from the servo, to which I had to threaten a cancellation of Easter; then they started kicking each other; THEN - this is my personal favourite - they started chanting at me that I am a 'fat, ugly, old lady'. Then, they stole my soul. I wasn't coping; I started blind swatting the back seat, they laughed and I threatened to call the Easter bunny at least 73 times. Strangers were staring at me, I was clearly struggling and no one offered help! Bastards! Where is my wine when I need it the most??!!! 

I called friends who lived around the area, it was family day so no one was answering.... So I called road side assistance and realised like a dickhead that I let my membership lapse with them 4 years ago. Fuck.... Had to fork out 300 smackers on the spot. Then a fellow crew member of the 3 kid crew rang me back and offered to take the girls. She is now in my Will to have absolutely everything. 

They don't teach you this shit in antenatal classes! Fair enough, you need to learn how to push a kid out your vag with an epidural shoved into your spine, I get that. BUT WHERE IS THIS SHIT? Who teaches you what to do when your car breaks down, you have 3 kids kicking each other, kicking you, swearing at you, all while your husband is at his busiest day at work?? I couldn't even think! When my daughters were chanting at me 'fuckin princess' I contemplated just leaving them in the car and writing a FOR SALE sign on the front with 'kids included' in teeny tiny fine print. They were assholes! 

Of course when my friend came to pick up the older two and took them to her house for a play, they were 'angels'. So what, they're just extra shit heady when I'm in a crisis....? Awesome, makes me feel so special.

After all the drama, I put my chair back, sent some snap chats and had a quick kip (only because I ran out of phone battery, I would facebooked for 2 hours - or candy crushed)

In the end, my car was towed and being fixed as I type. Luckily my husband has a motorbike so I can steal his car.

Oh and I did look banging hot for my girls dinner that night!!

You, me + 3

.confessions of a stay at home mum.

Where do I even begin? 

Sometimes, I feed my kids McDonalds (deal with it). 

I especially love when childless people judge me - CHILDLESS!!! Bitch please,  you have no idea what my days are like and if I have 3 kids chucking a megatron meltdown, IMMA GIVE MY KIDS ANYTHING TO SHUT THEM UP!! Do you realise it has a free toy with the meal? Free!! What child doesn't want a FREE TOY? I'm all for healthy living and I'm honestly a sugar nazi but you know those times where you have 2 choices - drive off a cliff or get maccas? As enticing as the other one sounds with 3 Lord of the Flies kids about to murder each other to survive, I choose Maccas. You don't have to deal with their feral mood so why do you think you can choose what they eat?  Don't judge me, feel sorry for me; because usually the only reason I feed my kids that crap (YES, I do know it is terrible for them) is because I'm at the end of my tither, my eye is twitching and because it's "socially unacceptable" to drink before 9am! Also, I gave them cold pizza for breakfast the other day because I was hung over #winningatparenting

Sometimes, I yell at my kids.

I obviously never want to yell at them. Half the time I don't even know where it comes from? This voice inside just came out of no where one day, it even surprised me! When I ask my kids politely to "please pick up your plates and put them in the sink" I expect them to occasionally listen. When they blatantly ignore me 96 times a day, I literally want to throw the plates at them. But like a good Mum, I just yell instead. #parenting101

Sometimes, I pretend I'm doing a poo so I can be on Facebook.

Don't lie, you've all done it. Sometimes it's the opposite and a child sits on my lap whilst I'm doing a poo

Look how tired I am of his shit ^^^ yes, pun intended.

Sometimes, I eat their food.

Let's be honest, I usually eat all of their food. I also lie about where it's gone to. I'll search those cupboards and look legitimately shocked when I can't find it. "Maybe Daddy ate it" is probably the most common excuse that comes out of my mouth. Daddy's the "fun one" so they'd never get mad at him. My husband bought my daughters their first advent calendar last year. I ate every single chocolate. And enjoyed it. I got yelled at so had to make up some excuse like "it was covered in ants". I should really stop lying to my kids #justkidding

Sometimes, I start drinking during the day.

I have no excuse for this one, other than my kids were being shit heads that day. I put one to bed at 4pm, sat in my stairwell and cried so much, clutching my wine glass, trying to figure why someone who ripped my vagina apart to give her life, would treat me like fucking scum! Ok there have been other times that I drank during day time but they're pretty naughty like every fourth day. I mean, every second day. OK, EVERY DAY, I DRINK EVERY DAY OK? Get over it. Do you know how hard it is to negotiate with toddlers? I bet it's harder than negotiating with a lion whilst  wearing Lady Gaga's infamous meat dress. Wine is my coping mechanism and if you're a Mum who doesn't drink, I honestly salute you!

Sometimes, I lie about being sick as an excuse for not doing housework.

Being tired is being sick, right? 

Sometimes, I swear in front of my kids.

I  never actually realized how much I swore in front of them/under my breath, until I heard my 3 year old drop an F bomb..... oops. 


Sometimes, I forget to shower one, if not all, children

I used to be really good with routine; bath time, dinner time, story time, brush teeth, bed. Now, I hop into bed most nights with that "routine" nothing but a blur and suddenly think "shit, K didn't have a shower today" But you know what? I honestly don't care! And I don't care that people know it.. My house is honestly like the Hunger Games between 5 and 7pm every. Damn. Night. I am in survival mode and I am not perfect. And that's ok!


Sometimes, I resent my kids for giving me 70 year old boobs

Yes, I am vain. I always have been and after 28 years, I don't think I'll change. I used to have great boobs. Great, perfect, D - DD cup size boobs on a size 6-8 body.They are so destroyed now, my 1 year old son slaps them and laughs while my daughters ask me why they are so low....? Because of you, boob ruiner!! I recently had to get an ultra sound to check out a lump after breast feeding my last child. It was nothing, thank goodness, but even the synographer says "WOW, you have no breast tissue. It's all skin" Yes i know that, fucktard. I can see that every single day when I have to lift those bad boys off the floor to PUT THEM IN MY BRA! I loved breast feeding, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be able to feed from my own body, but I had no idea what was to come afterwards. 

Sometimes, I let my kids see me cry.

This one sucks! But I also want them to know that life is not always rainbows and lollipops. Life can be hard. I heard my 5 year old tell me the other day that she is never having kids, because they're too much hard work... I was like a new found christian in a church service, like 'Yeah girl! You preach it, tell it, tell me, tell me how it is!!' 

But I also remind them how much joy and fun they bring me. I obviously use humour to get through some rough times but I also remember the great times! Even though one kid took a dump on another's bed today, one kid (same kid) put a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet then picked it back up and threw it at me, I am happy. My kids are happy and we don't judge anyone for their hard times... Because we all know about karma and it will bite yo ass!

Honestly, love. Love everyone! Xx And use humour ;)

You, me + 3 

.product review time. HipsSister

.Hips Sister.


I have been asked to write my FIRST PRODUCT REVIEW. I'm a little bit nervous so bear with me. (Also, I've cut down on the swearing)

I finished my last pregnancy almost two years ago but I loved those bands that went around my hips/belly to hold in all my lady lumps. I honestly wanted to wear one forever.

The hips sister is a product PERFECT for Mums.  We carry absolutely EVERYTHING in our nappy bag / handbag at all times but when we just want to dash to the shops or go for a run *cough - grab a quick coffee without children* we don't really want to be carrying around our Mary Poppins bag with us. We also shouldn't be putting our phones down our bras, it's bad for our boobs ladies. Simple solution - Hips Sister.

The Hips Sister fits snug around your hips, has 2 zip pockets and also has a secret stash pocket (I hide mints from the kids in it) AND the snug fit holds in my lovely lady lumps! WINNING! After 3 pregnancies, I can't wear tight clothes but the Hips Sister holds everything in AND looks stylish. I am wearing the black one so you can't even tell it's there, You can put your husbands credit card in there, your licence, keys and phone.

I wore mine the other day with my phone in the zip pocket at the front, it was so comfortable that I forgot my phone was there, pressed up against the bench while cooking dinner and Siri tried to start a conversation. It's honestly so comfortable and snug that you won't even tell it's there.

Being hands-free is important in this day and age and the Hips Sister is the best solution. I just wish it was bigger so I could cover more of my lady lumps ;)

A very good product, very suited to Mums or basically anyone with a busy lifestyle. 

You can purchase yours at www.hipssister.com.au with free shipping Australia wide.

You, me + 3

.things kids say.

Today you get to hear some very beautiful words from my darling spawns of satan. Yes, I do absolutely everything for them, wipe shit from their butt holes, kiss their boo boos and I kill the monsters under their bed EVERY DAMN NIGHT. It’s a tough job, I love it and someone has to do it. When I birthed these babes, they caused me so much pain yet they are still shit heads to me. First birth they had to cut to china just to get her fat head out of my vejut! I think that’s why kids are so precious to us. Not only did we grow them inside our precious, ever growing bellies, but they hurt like fuck getting out and I’ll be damned if anything happens to my precious bundles of fat head!

Here are some beautiful things my kids say:

1.      1.   On our 6^th wedding anniversary we grabbed take-away and ate it in the car, with kids, watching the ocean. Not our best anniversary but not our worst. Our first one, a seagull stole my husband’s burger and we were too poor to buy another one so we shared mine. Anyway, my husband jumped out to buy us all ice cream and while waiting for him my 5 year old daughter proudly states “Daddy’s marrying another girl” yeah. Cool beans.

2.      2.   Sitting next to my 3 Year old daughter on the couch just after her bath, she whispers behind me “I’m clawing my fanny”. Like, how the fuck do I even respond to that?!

3.      3.  My eldest has just started school this year and it’s a massive change for her, making her very tired and emotional. Driving home from school one day she just bursts out crying and yells “I don’t even have a Dad”. Ok then. Who the hell am I sleeping next to in bed every night?

4.       4. This one happens on the reg. Eldest has massive personality and attitude and if I have stated she can’t have/do something, she comes out with “Excuse me? What did you just say? I’m going to smash you”. The last part is new. I’d honestly like to see her try!

5.     5.   My beautiful old soul, my darling 3 year old little girl who is a darling sweet heart; to other people, starts singing a lovely song the other day “I want to cut your head off because you are so pretty and I love you” I’m sure she has good intentions but I still sleep with a baseball bat under my pillow, just in case.

6.     6.   My 1 year old son tried to cuddle Miss 5. She told him to “Piss off”. Yeah, I should probably stop saying that “under my breath”.

7.     7.   Darling daughter, age 5 is singing an awesome song, then states “I’m a mother fuckin Queen” Yes, she did just say that. Totally from YouTube. Not fuckin me.

8.      8.  This one I’m very certain ALL mums hear. “Mum, do you have a baby in your tummy, or are you just fat?”  No inheritance for you!

9. I have no intro for this one. Harly, age 5 says “I can’t wait for you to die so I can hang with Daddy”. I think my payback for this one will be showing her birth photos for her 21^st. I even have one of the placenta coming out, maybe I’ll put that on her cake.

Honest to God, who needs enemies when your own children say this stuff to you?

You, me + 3