.the breakdown with kids - survival guide.

Breakdown Survival Guide

Step 1:

Give kids away. 

Step 2:

Get doughnuts.

(Panic, call husband, yell at kids, yell at husband, get sworn at by kids, yell at kids again, make them cry, ask strangers to help, call NRMA; is totally not what happened)

I obviously experienced my first car break down with 3 small devils this week. At first I was panicking, only because I was going out with girlfriends that night and I needed time to look banging hot. Then the kids went feral. Actually they were already feral, I would have rathered watch someone with diarreah for 24 hours than hang out with them that day.

First they tried to steal Easter eggs from the servo, to which I had to threaten a cancellation of Easter; then they started kicking each other; THEN - this is my personal favourite - they started chanting at me that I am a 'fat, ugly, old lady'. Then, they stole my soul. I wasn't coping; I started blind swatting the back seat, they laughed and I threatened to call the Easter bunny at least 73 times. Strangers were staring at me, I was clearly struggling and no one offered help! Bastards! Where is my wine when I need it the most??!!! 

I called friends who lived around the area, it was family day so no one was answering.... So I called road side assistance and realised like a dickhead that I let my membership lapse with them 4 years ago. Fuck.... Had to fork out 300 smackers on the spot. Then a fellow crew member of the 3 kid crew rang me back and offered to take the girls. She is now in my Will to have absolutely everything. 

They don't teach you this shit in antenatal classes! Fair enough, you need to learn how to push a kid out your vag with an epidural shoved into your spine, I get that. BUT WHERE IS THIS SHIT? Who teaches you what to do when your car breaks down, you have 3 kids kicking each other, kicking you, swearing at you, all while your husband is at his busiest day at work?? I couldn't even think! When my daughters were chanting at me 'fuckin princess' I contemplated just leaving them in the car and writing a FOR SALE sign on the front with 'kids included' in teeny tiny fine print. They were assholes! 

Of course when my friend came to pick up the older two and took them to her house for a play, they were 'angels'. So what, they're just extra shit heady when I'm in a crisis....? Awesome, makes me feel so special.

After all the drama, I put my chair back, sent some snap chats and had a quick kip (only because I ran out of phone battery, I would facebooked for 2 hours - or candy crushed)

In the end, my car was towed and being fixed as I type. Luckily my husband has a motorbike so I can steal his car.

Oh and I did look banging hot for my girls dinner that night!!

You, me + 3