.things kids say.

Today you get to hear some very beautiful words from my darling spawns of satan. Yes, I do absolutely everything for them, wipe shit from their butt holes, kiss their boo boos and I kill the monsters under their bed EVERY DAMN NIGHT. It’s a tough job, I love it and someone has to do it. When I birthed these babes, they caused me so much pain yet they are still shit heads to me. First birth they had to cut to china just to get her fat head out of my vejut! I think that’s why kids are so precious to us. Not only did we grow them inside our precious, ever growing bellies, but they hurt like fuck getting out and I’ll be damned if anything happens to my precious bundles of fat head!

Here are some beautiful things my kids say:

1.      1.   On our 6^th wedding anniversary we grabbed take-away and ate it in the car, with kids, watching the ocean. Not our best anniversary but not our worst. Our first one, a seagull stole my husband’s burger and we were too poor to buy another one so we shared mine. Anyway, my husband jumped out to buy us all ice cream and while waiting for him my 5 year old daughter proudly states “Daddy’s marrying another girl” yeah. Cool beans.

2.      2.   Sitting next to my 3 Year old daughter on the couch just after her bath, she whispers behind me “I’m clawing my fanny”. Like, how the fuck do I even respond to that?!

3.      3.  My eldest has just started school this year and it’s a massive change for her, making her very tired and emotional. Driving home from school one day she just bursts out crying and yells “I don’t even have a Dad”. Ok then. Who the hell am I sleeping next to in bed every night?

4.       4. This one happens on the reg. Eldest has massive personality and attitude and if I have stated she can’t have/do something, she comes out with “Excuse me? What did you just say? I’m going to smash you”. The last part is new. I’d honestly like to see her try!

5.     5.   My beautiful old soul, my darling 3 year old little girl who is a darling sweet heart; to other people, starts singing a lovely song the other day “I want to cut your head off because you are so pretty and I love you” I’m sure she has good intentions but I still sleep with a baseball bat under my pillow, just in case.

6.     6.   My 1 year old son tried to cuddle Miss 5. She told him to “Piss off”. Yeah, I should probably stop saying that “under my breath”.

7.     7.   Darling daughter, age 5 is singing an awesome song, then states “I’m a mother fuckin Queen” Yes, she did just say that. Totally from YouTube. Not fuckin me.

8.      8.  This one I’m very certain ALL mums hear. “Mum, do you have a baby in your tummy, or are you just fat?”  No inheritance for you!

9. I have no intro for this one. Harly, age 5 says “I can’t wait for you to die so I can hang with Daddy”. I think my payback for this one will be showing her birth photos for her 21^st. I even have one of the placenta coming out, maybe I’ll put that on her cake.

Honest to God, who needs enemies when your own children say this stuff to you?

You, me + 3