.confessions of a stay at home mum.

Where do I even begin? 

Sometimes, I feed my kids McDonalds (deal with it). 

I especially love when childless people judge me - CHILDLESS!!! Bitch please,  you have no idea what my days are like and if I have 3 kids chucking a megatron meltdown, IMMA GIVE MY KIDS ANYTHING TO SHUT THEM UP!! Do you realise it has a free toy with the meal? Free!! What child doesn't want a FREE TOY? I'm all for healthy living and I'm honestly a sugar nazi but you know those times where you have 2 choices - drive off a cliff or get maccas? As enticing as the other one sounds with 3 Lord of the Flies kids about to murder each other to survive, I choose Maccas. You don't have to deal with their feral mood so why do you think you can choose what they eat?  Don't judge me, feel sorry for me; because usually the only reason I feed my kids that crap (YES, I do know it is terrible for them) is because I'm at the end of my tither, my eye is twitching and because it's "socially unacceptable" to drink before 9am! Also, I gave them cold pizza for breakfast the other day because I was hung over #winningatparenting

Sometimes, I yell at my kids.

I obviously never want to yell at them. Half the time I don't even know where it comes from? This voice inside just came out of no where one day, it even surprised me! When I ask my kids politely to "please pick up your plates and put them in the sink" I expect them to occasionally listen. When they blatantly ignore me 96 times a day, I literally want to throw the plates at them. But like a good Mum, I just yell instead. #parenting101

Sometimes, I pretend I'm doing a poo so I can be on Facebook.

Don't lie, you've all done it. Sometimes it's the opposite and a child sits on my lap whilst I'm doing a poo

Look how tired I am of his shit ^^^ yes, pun intended.

Sometimes, I eat their food.

Let's be honest, I usually eat all of their food. I also lie about where it's gone to. I'll search those cupboards and look legitimately shocked when I can't find it. "Maybe Daddy ate it" is probably the most common excuse that comes out of my mouth. Daddy's the "fun one" so they'd never get mad at him. My husband bought my daughters their first advent calendar last year. I ate every single chocolate. And enjoyed it. I got yelled at so had to make up some excuse like "it was covered in ants". I should really stop lying to my kids #justkidding

Sometimes, I start drinking during the day.

I have no excuse for this one, other than my kids were being shit heads that day. I put one to bed at 4pm, sat in my stairwell and cried so much, clutching my wine glass, trying to figure why someone who ripped my vagina apart to give her life, would treat me like fucking scum! Ok there have been other times that I drank during day time but they're pretty naughty like every fourth day. I mean, every second day. OK, EVERY DAY, I DRINK EVERY DAY OK? Get over it. Do you know how hard it is to negotiate with toddlers? I bet it's harder than negotiating with a lion whilst  wearing Lady Gaga's infamous meat dress. Wine is my coping mechanism and if you're a Mum who doesn't drink, I honestly salute you!

Sometimes, I lie about being sick as an excuse for not doing housework.

Being tired is being sick, right? 

Sometimes, I swear in front of my kids.

I  never actually realized how much I swore in front of them/under my breath, until I heard my 3 year old drop an F bomb..... oops. 


Sometimes, I forget to shower one, if not all, children

I used to be really good with routine; bath time, dinner time, story time, brush teeth, bed. Now, I hop into bed most nights with that "routine" nothing but a blur and suddenly think "shit, K didn't have a shower today" But you know what? I honestly don't care! And I don't care that people know it.. My house is honestly like the Hunger Games between 5 and 7pm every. Damn. Night. I am in survival mode and I am not perfect. And that's ok!


Sometimes, I resent my kids for giving me 70 year old boobs

Yes, I am vain. I always have been and after 28 years, I don't think I'll change. I used to have great boobs. Great, perfect, D - DD cup size boobs on a size 6-8 body.They are so destroyed now, my 1 year old son slaps them and laughs while my daughters ask me why they are so low....? Because of you, boob ruiner!! I recently had to get an ultra sound to check out a lump after breast feeding my last child. It was nothing, thank goodness, but even the synographer says "WOW, you have no breast tissue. It's all skin" Yes i know that, fucktard. I can see that every single day when I have to lift those bad boys off the floor to PUT THEM IN MY BRA! I loved breast feeding, don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful thing to be able to feed from my own body, but I had no idea what was to come afterwards. 

Sometimes, I let my kids see me cry.

This one sucks! But I also want them to know that life is not always rainbows and lollipops. Life can be hard. I heard my 5 year old tell me the other day that she is never having kids, because they're too much hard work... I was like a new found christian in a church service, like 'Yeah girl! You preach it, tell it, tell me, tell me how it is!!' 

But I also remind them how much joy and fun they bring me. I obviously use humour to get through some rough times but I also remember the great times! Even though one kid took a dump on another's bed today, one kid (same kid) put a whole roll of toilet paper in the toilet then picked it back up and threw it at me, I am happy. My kids are happy and we don't judge anyone for their hard times... Because we all know about karma and it will bite yo ass!

Honestly, love. Love everyone! Xx And use humour ;)

You, me + 3