.20 things your husband should do for you.

I saw an article this week called '20 things you should be doing for hubby on a regular basis'. You know those ones that are like 'don't talk about him behind his back', 'let him do his hobbies' and 'go get him tampons when he has man flu', ya know, that stuff. I haven't really come across one of the opposite agenda so, I decided to write my own....

20 things your husband should do for you:

1. He should always tell you you're beautiful! 

Even if you look like smashed crab crossed with a whale, we need to hear that shit. Am I right ladies?

2. He should praise your cooking.

Sometimes, we know we fucked up and the dinner tastes like ass; but we don't want to be reminded. Tell us it's the best freaking dinner you've ever had...

3. Can they not call period week 'blowjob week'?

Am I right ladies? Our uterus is falling out of our bodies, our skin is hiddy, and the bloating makes us look and feel 4 months pregnant again. We don't feel attractive and we just want to cuddle a hot water bottle; so piss off! 

4. Get off their bloody phones!

I have nothing else to say. It's annoying as shit. Just pay attention to your wife.

5. He shouldn't mention how untidy the house is.

We've been cleaning the house all day for it to be this messy.... The kids are alive and fed, he should be happy.

6. Cook for you every once in a while.

My two favourite things in this world are my husband and food - not particularly in that order. There is nothing sexier in this world than watching my husband cook me food.

7. Bring us chocolate and wine for no reason.

This will make us happy beyond belief. I don't even care if there's an ulterior motive, I got my chocolate and wine.

8. NEVER comment on how much wine we've had.

Just don't, ok?

9. Top up our empty wine glass.

We will love you forever.

10. Encourage that we also have hobbies.

We also need an outlet. The alternative is nagging you, so....?

11. Bake us cookies.

We like cookies too, bake them for US once in a while.

12. Help clean our poop while we're giving birth.

Ok, my husband came up with this one and I would not have even thought about it... But... I shat like a lady on a laxative whilst giving birth and he wiped it away without saying a word. A WORD.

13. Go and buy us tampons.

We have to buy that shit every damn month. Do you know how expensive it is....?

14. Tell us 'you can have a sleep in tomorrow' THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Not the next morning when we're already awake. Tell us the night before so we can ACTUALLY sleep in, not hear the kids tear the house apart while you're on fb on the couch...

15. Give us random lump sums of cash for no reason.

No explanation needed.

16. Don't perve on other girls while we're around (unless we point them out)

We see that perky 22 year old girl. We used to BE that girl. Quit eye banging her.

17. Encourage girl nights.

Sometimes, we just want to hang out with girlfriends, do our nails, drink red wine (obvi) and watch Sex and the City. All night long! 

Or have a Bon fire with copius amounts of wine 

18. Make us smile.

Every now and then, my husband sends me a text of a love heart.... It makes me smile and makes me fall even more in love with him.

19. Bring us coffee in the morning.

Mine gets delivered to me - in bed.... You jelly?

20. Love us unconditionally.

We know we're crazy but just love us.... We're crazy because we want to be the best person we can be. Oh, and hormones (always blame the hormones)

Peace and love to all

You, me + 3

.mother's day.

Isn't it funny? The one day that we celebrate being a Mum is the one day that we want a break from being one...!? 

You know what I want for Mother's Day? Some peace and fucking quiet! That's what I want... 

I would also love a new pair of uggs, a crate (or 10) of red wine, a fire place and a king size bed ALL TO MYSELF!!! 

This was 5:30am the other morning^^

I am very lucky that I have an amazing husband who brings me coffee every morning (I know he's actually escaping the mad house but I don't care, I get coffee).

Dads of the world, here is a very important message: Give her the whole day off for Mother's Day. No Mum or housewife duties AT ALL... ALL MOTHER FUCKING DAY....

We don't need anything fancy. I mean, I wouldn't say no to diamonds but what I would cherish most is to be able drink a hot coffee, in a cafe, sans children.

As Mums, we do so much for our families. We work so hard but our payment is love. I'm all for it but love don't buy me shoes. Being a Mum is both the most rewarding and the most draining 'job' I have ever encountered.

And trust me when I say draining, I've worked in a call centre.

We want to feel loved and needed but at the same time we want peace and quiet. I blame hormones - they are the ones that make us bat shit crazy. I can't wait for menopause - no more periods, which means no more hormone bullshit! 

My point being: we need a break. We work hard but we don't get to play hard. And by play hard, I mean sit on the couch, all day, under a blanket, with a block of chocolate and an endless supply of coffee (or wine) and watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians, WITHOUT judgement or interruption. God, that sounds like bliss...

Peace and love to all

You, me + 3

Side note: I know menopause will suck, it's the no period thing that I'm looking forward to... I'm just trying to be positive.

.how does she do it.

I often hear the statement 'I don't know how you do it' and I ALWAYS joke back 'I drink a lot of wine'. They often laugh, I laugh too, then (with a straight face) I say 'I'm not joking' - we laugh harder then I go home and cry into my bottle of Pinot because I'm actually not joking.

How do I do it?

1. My standards are like below zero.

When I had 1 child, I used to be complimented on how clean my house was. Granted, my place was tiny and took 3 minutes to clean but I took pride in my house. Now, my place constantly looks like we've been robbed; even though I'm ALWAYS FUCKING CLEANING!

2. I look like shit (and genuinely don't care)

When I was 20, I would wake up extra early just to do my hair and make up. Today, I snuck in 10 more minutes sleep and left the house looking like this

20 year old me would be mortified... Usually I do try to wear make up but I actually love going baby faced. I have a husband who loves me, who else would I be trying to impress? 

3. My housewife skills are usually a 1 or a 10 - there is no in between.

Today I can happily state that my housewife skills are level Martha Stewart (without the jail time). House is clean, fresh sheets are on kids beds, laundry is done and away (not lingering on the stairs) AND dinner was in the oven at 5pm. Mother fuckin Martha. 

Yesterday however: I had to apologise for the state of the house, husband had no clean underwear, and dinner was non existent. Housewife level was minus 7.

4. I make my husband iron his work shirts.

Sometimes, I do offer to iron it for him but to be honest, I can't be fucked! I do absolutely everything else for 3 other humans every morning that I usually run out of time to do a morning shit.

5. Wine. And lots of it.

It's no secret that I love wine. Red is my poison and if I have a much needed glass of Pinot whilst making dinner then I'm a much nicer person. When that warmth of a nice red hits your belly, you honestly believe you can fart unicorns. It's an amazing feeling and I will not apologise for it. I love wine.

6. I have accepted that I have no life.

I know my time will come. Sometimes yes, I am lonely and I am tired of having children conversations but one day, they'll all be at school (halle-fuckin-lujah) and I'll probably miss them. Or I'll be on a cruise drinking copius amounts of alcohol.

7. I have my tubes tied.

This gives me more delight than anything in the world - knowing I can't get pregnant. Every now and again I say out loud 'I want another baby' closely followed by 'that is why I have my tubes tied'. I could seriously have 10 babies; that euphoria of seeing a positive test result to seeing your baby for the first time, it's indescribable. And I will miss that feeling but I know in my heart that I will drive off a cliff if I fell pregnant again. 

8. I have never been happier.

Being a Mum is the hardest job I have ever done. But the joy and pride that my kids fill me with, is unimaginable. Sure they can be shit heads, but the good times far out weigh the bad. And that is what you should hold on to.

Peace and love to all 

You, me + 3

.haters gonna hate.

This post stems from some bullying in my own life; none of it bad, but enough for me to notice and want to write about it.

Back when I was in school, I was bullied. It wasn't horrendous but I remember being afraid to attend the classes she was in. I'm lucky that I have thick skin (thicker since having kids) and I don't get offended easily. I'm also lucky that I was bullied so I can look out for the signs my kids show if they ever get bullied - I'd honestly like to see someone try.

There's a saying that I'm sure everyone is familiar with - if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. Utter bullshit! Obviously I never go out of my way to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but I am a firm believer in having my own opinion. Never about how someone should live their life, that has nothing to do with me, but I think it's an amazing thing to have different opinions, to discuss them and to still get along as a human race.

I've been blasted on social media a few times for having a different opinion. I was never rude or mean in my comments but it was often turned back around to say that I was in fact the one bullying. Again, utter bullshit! For example: Ashy Bines and Instagram. I followed the 'fitness guru' on all forms of social media, I even bought her plan when I was desperate to lose baby weight - worst decision. 

She had a post up on insta a while ago along the lines of 'if you hate your life, you can change it. I too used to work a 60+ hour week and was not fulfilled with life. You can quit your dead end job and do what you love. You have the power to change your life, bla bla bla I shit rainbows' ok I made that last bit up but you get the gist of it. 

My response: I'm not sure I agree. If my husband stops working so he could surf everyday (because that's what he loves doing), myself and our 3 kids would be homeless. I appreciate what you're trying to say but I don't agree'

Short story is that a whole lot of girls agreed with me but Ashy blocked me. HA! No loss there really.

I spent most of my life not standing up for what I believe in because I was too scared for being crucified along the way. We are not an army who have to all live the same way, we're different and we should have different opinions; it makes us who we are as a human being. I love getting tattoos and piercings and it does not affect anyone else so why should they care? 

And I will teach my kids to have their own opinion, even if it means being different! 

Being different rocks!!

 

Yes my son is in a dress. You know why? Because he wanted to wear it and he is happy because he looks up to his big sisters. And that makes me proud! Fuck the haters.

Peace and love to all.

You, me + 3

.school holidays suck.

I can not wait until my kids are old enough to visit family in America on their own. I think I'll ship them off every school holidays. 

I have 3 kids on my own a lot and I know my limitations on places I can go. I mean, I'd love to hang at home every day; we're safe, there's food and coffee (and heaps of wine) but I understand that kids have to get out and play. But I have been on that many fucking play dates these holidays that I have stopped liking people all together. On Monday we had 4 play dates! FOUR !!! I was close to Britney's 2007 meltdown, it was that exhausting.

One of Mondays many play dates ^^ 

I'm play dated out. I hadn't been home to vacuum my house for over a week!! (Ok that's not a huge shock, sometimes I just don't want to vacuum for 2 weeks)

I finally vacuumed yesterday and it was glorious. How long do you think it stayed clean for?

Yes, that is a whole tray of bunny litter emptied onto my floor not even 2 hours after a vacuum. I am honestly so used to these things happening now that I wasn't even mad.

I was then having a play date with my besties about 4 hours after the litter incident. While the kids were playing, we watched on in horror as my son pushed my hand bag down her hill, spilling tampons and Karen Walker sunnies everywhere. I went down the hill to retrieve my belongings, guarded with my trusty broom to ward off spiders and there were a fucktone of spiders (I should probably check my undies for ticks too). This was after I called him an asshole, to his face this time - oops. I would have gotten a photo of it too but I was too busy trying not to die. 

I was then lucky enough to clean cottage cheese off my stairs, walls and baby gate, that same day. Such a good day.

So far these holidays: Koa has had about 573 near death experiences (giving me as many grey hairs) and given the bunny about 63 heart attacks. We've had a million play dates, including one starting at 5:30 PM!!! 

My husband has worked late more days than I can count and I have eaten more pizza and drunk more wine than I care to disclose. It's all worth it though, we're kicking some serious debt butt and I have never been more proud of my husband! And just quietly, I'm so jealous that he gets home at 8:30pm and misses the shit fight to get kids to bed.

My standard of what 'clean' is, has gone out the window and junk food is my best friend at the moment (after wine of course). Happy hour is slowly moving back from 5pm to 4pm. I even cracked a bottle at 3:30pm the other day. To be fair though, daylight savings just finished so it was really 4:30pm. #winning 

All in all though, my kids have a great fucking time and that is what matters. I know my time with them is precious and I love every minute of it.

Peace and love to everyone.

You, me + 3

.the loneliness of a stay at home mum.

I became a stay at home Mum 5 years 5 months and 26 days ago.... Not that I'm counting. I had a small stint of going back to work but my eldest got sick so we thought I should stay home and just - wait for it - HAVE ANOTHER BABY... wtf were we thinking? (Youngest child, if you ever read this, we love you)

It's a tough slog. We don't get much adult interaction during the day and when our husbands do get home, we're desperate to run out that door and never fucking return! But we don't. Mainly because I'd be too poor to survive without his income. 

We're a team. As 1950's as it sounds, I do have to agree, to an extent. He makes  us money while I look after the kids/house. I'm not saying I do a GOOD job of it, but I do it. Do I love it? Hell no! It fucking sucks! 

I am totes jealous of my husband being able to escape this mad house everyday while I battle our spawn of satan to JUST GET DRESSED. As much as you may think that stay at home mums just get mani/pedis, go to the beach and check Facebook all day (ok, the last one is true), it's so much more than that.

Before 9am, I have to do a lot of shit. I wrote it all down but it's boring as fuck. Just know that it's a lot. 

Husband: gets up, goes to get me coffee (winning), has shower, gets dressed, goes to work.

WHO WOULDN'T BE JEALOUS??

And I'm never mad at him, just jealous. But you know what? He's probably jealous that I get to spend time (yell at) his kids all day. I got to see all three kids first words, first steps, first sports carnival. As much as I love it, it's lonely as fuck.

Why do you think Mums love wine? It helps us forget about our shitty parenting we performed that day and tomorrow is a new day - we can think about being a shitty parent then. I'm 2 glasses deep of Pinot already! Wine is actually my best friend at the moment. I haven't seen my husband all week (all good, he earned us fuck loads of money) but wine, wine is here for me every night. I talk to my Pinot and damn it, he listens. AND he doesn't talk back. I love him.

My point is, it's lonely.... But I deal with it. I have a little bitch about it every now and again and I have awesome girlfriends to talk to. I know that this time of my life is temporary and one day I'll miss my kids. Just kidding, I'll be sipping margaritas on a well deserved fucking cruise! 

And that's how I conquer my loneliness, by knowing one day I'll be on a cruise.

Peace and love to all

You, me + 3

.mum shaming - stop it.

As Mums, we can't get anything right. We get critisized for absolutely everything and I always felt so judged but recently, I decided to stop giving a fuck. 

I stopped giving a fuck because I realised that I parent my kids for other Mums. 

Sometimes, my kids wanna throw bark on the slide. Ya know what? I don't care if bark is on the slide. That other Mum does, so I regretfully tell my child to 'stop putting bark on the slide' and brush all the bark away. FOR WHAT? So that her 'perfect kid' could maybe eventually slide down that magical, clean slide without getting an ounce of dirt on her? How fucking boring? I take my kids to the park to have fun, do whatever the fuck they can't do at home, but most importantly - to get dirty. A dirty kid is a happy kid. Today, my son played in a puddle of mud and he enjoyed it! 

AND, I let him. You wanna why? Because YOLO - you're only little once :)

Being an adult is shit sometimes and responsibility sucks. I just paid off my car loan last month and although it was very rewarding, I felt old and shitty. I just wanted to be a kid again and play Rambo in the muddy water. I actually wish I joined my son in the mud today. 

Sometimes they just want to play in mud. They don't give a flying fuck about some new fandangle toy you spent 78 bucks on, they want mud and mess and everything they're not allowed. Because THEY'RE KIDS. 

Today, I witnessed a dose of Mum shaming, and boy is it an ugly sight. I saw a child crying for his Mumma today. He was still inside the park enclosure and she had briefly gone outside to breast feed her baby on a picnic blanket. The park was seriously nuts and a million kids were everywhere. So, this Mum was outside the park, casually chatting with a friend while feeding her third child. Unbeknownst to her, her middle child was crying for her. Not really at an age to talk, we tried to ask where his Mum was.

It had barely been a couple of minutes when I started hearing some Mums making snide comments to the nature of 'you'd think she'd notice if her kid was missing' and so on..

Now, maybe I'm sensitive because she's part of the 'three kid crew' and she was relatively new to it, but I felt really sorry for her. These Mums, who had no idea about who she was as a human being, were making shitty comments about her parenting, behind her back. 

I ended up going up to her as we left and gave her the 'I've got 3 kids too, I get it' talk. 

Nobody needs to feel more shitty than they already do !! Don't comment or judge, leave other Mums the fuck alone. 

If you have a shitty, negative comment about another Mum; write it down on a piece of paper, roll it up, shove it up your butt, shit it out and flush it..... No one wants to hear that shit (yes, oh God yes... Pun intended)

If you have encouraging words, by all means, tell that Mum!!!

You, me + 3